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I heard that at 8:00 AM on January 21st, a man showed up at the White House asking to see George W. Bush. "George W. Bush is no longer President" said the guard. So he went away.

 

The next day the same man shows up at the same time and asks to see George W. Bush. He was again told "George W. Bush is no longer president". Again, he went away.

 

On Friday, the same man again shows up at White House and asks to see George W. Bush.

 

This time the guard is a little miffed. "George W. Bush is no longer President. Why do you keep coming here and asking?".

 

The answer was "I just like hearing it over and over."

 

 

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In 1988, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1988, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and smashed the shit out of him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

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The ASDA Greeter

 

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger of a woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's east side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?"

 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Fuck naw, they're nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the fuck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?"

 

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam." replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that you've been shagged twice."

 

Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.

 

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Guy goes to a toyshop to buy a doll for his little girl....

 

"Whats the price of those Barbies in the shop ?"

 

"Which one asks the saleswomen ?"

 

"We have Fitness Barbie for 19.99

Also Volleyball Barbie for 19.99

Or Shopping Barbie for 19.99

Even Disco Barbie for 19.99

And we have Working Barbie for 19.99

And Divorced Barbie for 299.99"

 

"Why is the last one so expensive compared to all the others ???"

 

"Cos divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, his boat, his car, his furniture, and his best friend...."

 

BB

 

 

 

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A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.

 

The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

 

The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.

 

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".

 

Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

 

 

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A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.

 

The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

 

The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.

 

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".

 

Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

 

Nice! right out of my diary!

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