Any New Jokes

[BelgianBoy]

Chinese jokes.....

 

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

 

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

 

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

 

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

 

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

 

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

 

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

 

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

 

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

 

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

 

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

 

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

 

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

 

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

 

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

 

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

 

[unit731]

Hunting farce. Video.

 

LINK

[Man at Work]

An Escapee from San Quentin breaks into a home to get new clothes and maybe a weapon. While he his ransacking the house, he finds a beautiful young lady and her husband naked in bed.

 

He ties the guy to a chair and than the gal to the bed. While doing the latter, he bends over and kisses the lady on her neck. After that he leaves into the bathroom.

 

The husband whispers to the wife: "I can tell he is an escapee from prison by his clothes. He may not have had a lady for years and I guess he wants sex with you. I could tell by the way he kissed you on the neck.

 

Whatever he wants, do it. I know this is horrible for you, but it is the only way we two get out of here alive. Stay strong honey â?? I love you."

 

The wife replied: "He was not kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear that in fact he is gay and kind of likes you. He asked me if we had K2, and I told him, that we had some in the bathroom.

 

Stay strong, I love you too!"

 

Edited March 10, 2009 by Guest

[The_Munchmaster]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

 

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

 

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

 

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

 

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

 

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

 

The attorney tells the Godfather: â??He says he doesn't know what you're talking about!"

 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

 

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

 

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

 

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

 

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!!!"

[The_Munchmaster]

There is this nun. She has an incredible body, and she is taking a bath.

 

Then she hears a knock on the door.

 

"Who is it?" she yells.

 

"It's the blind man" comes the reply.

 

She was thinking, well he canâ??t see me so I really don't need to put any clothes on. So she proceeds to answer the door butt-naked. She opens the door "Yes?"

 

"Woah! Nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?"

[Dexi]

a classic :thumbup:

[CTO]

 

 

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut

 

he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept

 

money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The

 

florist was pleased and left the shop.

 

 

 

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a

 

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

 

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his

 

bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.

 

I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and

 

leaves the shop.

 

 

 

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank

 

you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

 

 

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and

 

when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot

 

accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The

 

professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

 

 

 

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank

 

you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve

 

Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

 

 

 

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he

 

goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept

 

money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member

 

of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

 

 

 

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a

 

dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

 

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference

 

between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

[CTO]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

 

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

 

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

 

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about

to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

 

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

 

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

 

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more

votes?"

 

 

[CTO]

 

 

The Loyal Wife

 

 

 

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

 

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'

 

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

 

Well, he died . . .

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

 

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

 

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

 

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

 

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

 

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

 

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

 

Moral of the story: Women are cleverer than Men .....

 

Send this to a clever women you know, or a man with a good sense of humour

[Torneyboy]

Excellent..