Any New Jokes

[drogon]

Excellent one with the loyal wife

[CTO]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

 

 

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil.

 

 

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.

2 He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

 

 

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

 

 

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He loved large gatherings that served alcohol.

2. He was always telling stories..

3. He loved green pastures.

 

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:

 

 

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food..

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

 

AMEN

[jai-dee]

This is an accident report which was printed in the British equivalent of the Workers Compensation Board.

 

Dear Sir,

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in section 3 of the accident report form. I put 'Poor Planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade.

 

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

 

You will note in section 11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

 

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping, until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

 

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

 

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs. 1

[jai-dee]

Canadian Revenge

 

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

 

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

 

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

 

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face.

 

The Canadian listened in silence.

 

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

 

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

 

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

 

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

 

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

 

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

 

"We throw them away, of course."

 

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States." 1

[jai-dee]

Asian Hotel

 

This is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

 

 

Room Service: "Morny ... ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry ... I thought I dialed room service"

Rm. Svc.: "Rye .. ruin sorbees .. morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh, yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs"

Rm Svc: "Ow july den?"

Guest: "What?"

Rm. Svc.: "Ow july den? ... pry, boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs. How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please"

Rm. Svc.: "Ow july dee baycheem ... crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine"

Rm. Svc.: "Hokay. An san toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Rm. Svc.: "San toes. July san toes?"

Guest: "I don't think so"

Rm. Svc.: "No? Judo one toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means"

Rm. Svc: "Toes, toes! Why jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'. Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine"

Rm. Svc.: "We bother?"

Guest: "No, just put the bother on the side"

Rm. Svc.: "Wad??"

Guest: "I mean butter ... just put it on the side"

Rm. Svc.: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

Rm. Svc.: "Copy ... tea ... mill?"

Guest: "Yes, coffee please, and that's all"

Rm. Svc.: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say"

Rm. Svc.: "Tendjewberrymud"

Guest: "You're welcome".

[jai-dee]

Pilots and Engineers

 

From actual military "squawk sheets". (Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.)

 

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

 

Problem ª1: "ª2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.

Solution ª1: "ª2 Propeller seepage normal.

Problem ª2: "ª1,ª3, and ª4 propellers lack normal seepage.

 

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.

Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

 

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.

Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.

Solution: Evidence removed.

 

Problem: Number three engine missing.

Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

 

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on order.

 

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

 

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: That's what they're there for.

 

[jai-dee]

This is courtesy of the Australian Lawyer of 1996. A competition was run calling upon readers to draft the most pompous garbled legaldegook STOP sign of which they were capable. This was the winning entry coming from a solicitor at Mallesons Stephen Jaques in Perth. The prize was a holiday in the Northern Territory. Which I think this person seriously needed.

 

TO ALL THOSE to whose attention these presents shall come, whether alone or in company with others and whether with or without livestock or other animals, or otherwise, whether being lawfully or unlawfully on or about the highway which expression shall include the whole and any part thereof together with its kerbs and verges and all fixtures, fittings, plants, vegetation and other things from time to time thereon or thereabout and all repairs (if any) thereto, upon the boundary or within the curtilage whereof this notice is affixed, TAKE NOTICE that, pursuant to and in due exercise of the powers, authorities and discretions vested under and by virtue of the [insert name of applicable state legislation] Act (hereinafter referred to as "The Aforesaid Act", which expression shall include the said Act as from time to time amended, extended, supplemented, consolidated and renewed, as the case may be, and all regulations, orders or other instruments from time to time duly issued and in force thereunder), the [insert name of applicable statutory authority or body], acting in this matter for and on behalf of itself and its successors in title or authority together with, where the context permits, its members (whether elected or coopted, both during and after their respective periods of office), servants and agents, their respective heirs, successors and assigns, being for the time being the responsible authority designated under and for the purposes of The Aforesaid Act, HEREBY REQUIRE all and any such persons as aforesaid who are or who may at any time be deemed for the purposes of The Aforesaid Act to be the responsible person in control of a vehicle (as defined in The Aforesaid Act) or any part thereof, to cause or procure such vehicle (or such part of a vehicle) to stop, halt and, as the case may be, cease, desist, refrain from all or any movement or motion of any kind in a forward direction for the period from time to time prescribed in The Aforesaid Act or, failing such prescription, for a reasonable period, at, about or in the vicinity of the white line (which expressions includes a line or lines in sundry shades of grey, brown or yellow, as the case may be, whether or not such shade is as originally applied or results from or arises out of the effects of weather, fair wear and tear or the application thereto or accumulation thereupon of extraneous substances of any nature) appearing immediately (or as soon as reasonably practicable) hereafter upon the upper horizontal surface of the said highway as hereinbefore defined and described. The conditions on the reverse of this notice, prescribing and/or describing as the case may be, inter alia, the consequences of and liability for failure or delay (whether willful, reckless or negligent) in complying with the requirements hereinabove contained are hereby deemed incorporated herein and form an integral part hereof. All such persons as aforesaid shall be deemed to have notice of this notice and the contents hereof for all purposes without exception, by virtue only of their use as aforesaid of the said highway or any part thereof, whether or not they or any of them have seen, read or understood this notice in whole or in part.

[The_Munchmaster]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

 

The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit youâ??.

 

Sliding a small hand-gun across the desk, he continues 'Take this, go out and shoot 6 illegal immigrants, 6 asylum seekers and a rabbit.'

 

The man asks 'Why the rabbit?'

 

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?

[The_Munchmaster]

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

 

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

 

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

 

"Do you use it for anything else?"

 

"Like what?"

 

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

 

"Oh, of course. We smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

[teddy]

Oldie but goodie...

 

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

 

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.'

 

So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad

passionate sex together.

 

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

 

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

 

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

 

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'. Cilla complies with the routine.

 

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks 'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

 

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch shtole ma wallet!'