Any New Jokes

[Man at Work]

Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!

 

 

I have heard them all - over and over again

 

[CTO]

Globalization

 

 

 

INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!

 

 

 

 

 

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

 

 

 

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

 

 

 

Question: How come?

 

 

 

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

 

 

 

This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gateâ??s technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegalâ??s.....Globalization

[The_Munchmaster]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

 

Paddy the Guard stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

 

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'

 

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy the Guard. 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

 

The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your sergeant over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

 

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Sergeant Murphy is busy with 2 fellas in a Fiat Uno.'

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Following a night out with a few friends, Paddy brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

 

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

 

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' replied Paddy.

 

'How does it work?'

 

'I'll show you', said Paddy, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

 

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For fuck's sake, you wanker, it's twenty to two in the fucking morning!!'

 

[The_Munchmaster]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

 

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

 

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

 

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body so his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

 

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.

 

Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

 

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'

 

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

 

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

 

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'

 

'What do you mean, he had two arseholes?!!' said the mortician.

 

'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes.....'

 

[Guest lazyphil]

josef fritzel was given 500 hours community service today as part of his punishment, he'll start by teaching the McCains how to lock a fucking door properly!!

[BelgianBoy]

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

 

The brain said " I should be the Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said " We should be the Boss as we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go."

The hands said " We should be the Boss because we do all the work andearn all the money."

 

And so on it went on and on with the heart and the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

 

Eventually they all decided thatthe asshole should be the Boss. So the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit. Moral of the story :

 

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do that!

[Torneyboy]

Funny

[teddy]

A woman goes to the doctors and says "Doctor I am really worried, I have been taking steroids and I have seemed to have grown a Penis". The doctor says "Anabolic?" And the woman says "No, just a penis"