Any New Jokes

[CTO]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the

 

golfer's ball beside him.

 

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

 

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

 

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

 

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya

 

want?'

 

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

 

And the golfer walks off.

 

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for

 

him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

 

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

 

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

 

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I win all the local tournaments.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

 

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

 

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro bills I didn't even know were there!'

 

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

 

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

 

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good

 

job. How many times a week?'

 

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

 

'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

 

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a

 

week?'

 

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a

 

small parish.'

[TroyinEwa/Perv]

I've always liked that one........makes me wish I would have been a priest.

[CTO]

You'd prefer to play golf than hang out in car parks for money?

[TroyinEwa/Perv]

lolol......funny guy. People will get the wrong idea about your statement of me getting money in a car park.

[Mekong]

 

 

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

'Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned

With Fannie Green every week for the last month.'

 

The priest tells the sinner,

'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'.'

 

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned

With Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

 

This time the priest asks,

'Who is this Fannie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies

 

'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.

 

'The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon

When a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and

Sits down in front of the Altar.

 

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly

spread apart,Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks,

 

'Is that Fannie Green?'

The altar boy replies, ..............................

 

'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'

 

[Mekong]

You need to use 'Big People' words,â?? the teacher was always reminding them.

 

She asked John what he had done over the weekend.

 

'I went to visit my Nana.'

 

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

 

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

 

'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'

 

She said, 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

 

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

 

'I read a book.' he replied.

 

'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

 

 

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

 

 

 

 

 

'Winnie the SHIT'

[chelseafan]

The two lesbians next door got me a Rolex for my birthday, I think they misunderstood me when I told them I wanna watch

[chelseafan]

A little girl walks up to her father and asks

"Daddy, where does Poo come from ?"

The father a little embarrassed decided it was time for his girl to learn about the human body and proceeded to explain the whole process.

"Well darling, when you eat food, your body takes all the nutrients and converts them to energy and vitamins, what is left is created into poo"

The girl horrified then asks

"And what about Tigger"?

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Rodney Dangerfield at his best.

 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."

 

 

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but f **k me, pass the parcel was quick!!!

 

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

 

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it f ***ing start?"

[sayjann]

:thumbup: