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How to get to Heaven

 

A teacher was testing children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

 

She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

 

'NO!' the children answered.

 

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

 

Again, the answer was 'No!'

 

By now she was starting to smile.

 

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

 

Again, they all answered 'No!'.

 

She was just bursting with pride for them, so she continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

 

And a six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTA BE FUCKIN' DEAD.'

 

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After all those jokes here _ some were brilliant, some godd and some.... - the best one is todays banner above this threat:

 

"learn biblical hebrew now!"

 

Talking about targetgroup marketing!

 

Lets make a poll:

 

How many of you have enrolled by now?

 

Nice day to y'all

 

MaW

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A Catholic guy went into the confessional box. He noticed on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest came in.

 

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

 

The priest replied "You're on my side. Get out."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

 

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

 

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

 

Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution;

Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

 

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn't--no one wants to hear me sing!

 

 

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Frank goes fishing to the national park. The fish are biting well

and soon his bucket is full of fish.

 

Then comes the ranger: 'Hey you, don't you see that big sign

that says "Fishing Prohibited"?'

 

Frank replies: 'Fishing? Who's fishing"?

 

Ranger: 'You've got a bucket of freshly caught fish, what do you call that?'

 

Frank: 'No mister ranger, you are mistaken. These are my fish. I bring

them here every week, throw them in the lake for a bit of a swim, then

I call them back and take them home.'

 

Ranger shakes his head:' You're putting me on.'

 

Frank: 'Do you want me to show you?'

 

Ranger stares at him. After a while he says: 'All right, let's see.'

 

Frank tips the bucket in the water and the fish swim away.

 

Then Frank and the ranger stand quietly, looking at each other.

 

After a while the ranger says: 'Well?'

 

Frank: 'Well what?'

 

Ranger: 'Aren't you going to call them back?'

 

Frank: 'Call who?'

 

Ranger: 'Your fish.'

 

Frank: 'What fish?'

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