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Any New Jokes


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I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke, “What do you do if someone has an epileptic fit in the bath� "Throw in the washing."

 

They were all having a good laugh out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder, "That's not funny" he says, "my brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath."

 

"Jesus mate, I'm really sorry about that." I said, "Did he drown?" I asked.

 

"No" he said, â€ÂHe choked on a sock."

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My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

 

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

 

Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

 

"But we didn't use them," I said.

 

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

 

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

 

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

 

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

 

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."

 

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

 

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

 

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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh .......

 

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

 

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

 

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

 

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

 

She ran out of the room.

 

 

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World cup

 

After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.     

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Union Problems

 

 

 

Muslim suicide bombers in Br itain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

 

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this September from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

 

The suicide bombers' union, the Br itish Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

 

General Secretary, Abdullah Amir, told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

 

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive, Osama bin Laden, explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace."

 

"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting pension benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

 

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England , Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas

anyway."

 

A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide bombings has been decreasing lately. This has been attributed to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,

 

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a holiday. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Benidorm ... I went to Benidorm and Molly got pregnant.

 

Then two years ago, you told me to go to Lourdes and Molly got pregnant again.

 

Last year you suggested Torremolinos and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

 

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

 

Paddy replies, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

 

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THE PERFECT HUSBAND

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: 'Hello'

 

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

 

MAN: 'Yes'

 

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

 

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

 

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.'

 

MAN: 'How much?'

 

WOMAN: ' $90,000'

 

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

 

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000'

 

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'

 

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

 

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

 

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

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