Any New Jokes

[cavanami]

A 70 year old man asks his wife, "Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?"

 

 

Wife replied, "No, not at all, even dogs chase cars they can't drive.

[The_Munchmaster]

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

 

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

[The_Munchmaster]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

 

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

 

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

 

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

 

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger's broken."

[The_Munchmaster]

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he had been off the farm.

 

He had saved for twenty years for this, so he could afford a classy hotel.

 

Checking in he said, "Me and the new Wife would like to hire your best room for a week."

 

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal?"

 

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, I'll just hang onto her ears 'til I git the hang of it."

[cavanami]

Terrible stuff...keep it coming!!!

[The_Munchmaster]

What do you call a woman with one leg? - Ilene

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? - Matt

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? - Bob

 

What do you call a Deer with no eyes? - No idea

[The_Munchmaster]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my Daughter an iPod for hers.

 

Was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

 

Got my wife an iRon for her Birthday. That was around the time when the fight started...

[cavanami]

You are an evil, terrible person...keep up the good work!!!

[Nervous God]

LIFE IN AN AUSSIE MENTAL HOSPITAL!!!

 

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a

Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2..

 

The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't

Talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !'

 

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

 

The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his

imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'

Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'

'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'

 

The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another

patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

 

Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'

 

To which Davo replies,

 

'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '

 

 

 

 

[Mekong]

 

What do you call a Deer with no eyes? - No idea

 

What do you call a Deer with no eyes and no legs? - Still No idea

 

What do you call a Deer with no eyes, no legs and no sex organs? - Still No Fuckin' idea