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Any New Jokes


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Something to offend almost everyone ...

 

 

- A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"

 

- My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

 

- The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.

 

- Paddy got arrested at Tesco today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault, since his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.

 

- I fostered a Muslim kid yesterday. All four cans hit him on the head.

 

- Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?

So the black kids can have messy faces as well!

 

- French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!

Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!

Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!

Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

 

 

 

 

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For Mekong

 

my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my Daughter an iPod for hers.

 

Was very happy when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

 

Got my wife an iRon for her Birthday. That was around the time when the fight started...

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Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

 

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been

able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd

each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal

drink.

 

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a

boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and

nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

 

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

 

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross

the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

 

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in

 

July when the lake is frozen, you f**k-wit and you were born in December,.............."

 

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For Mekong

 

my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my Daughter an iPod for hers.

 

Was very happy when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

 

Got my wife an iRon for her Birthday. That was around the time when the fight started...

NG, you're really losing it.....I posted that one yesterday! :doah: However my version isn't missing a bit.

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A man was 75 years old and loved to fish.

 

He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

 

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

 

He thought he was imagining it, when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up!'

 

He looked in the water and there, floating on it, was a frog.

 

The man asked, 'Are you talking to me?'

 

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. I'm an enchanted princess. Pick me up then and kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen! I'll make sure that all your friends are jealous because I will be your bride!'

 

The man looked at the frog and thought a bit. Then he reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

 

The frog said, 'Didn't you hear me? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride. You can do anything you want to me.'

 

The man replied, 'At my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

 

 

With age comes wisdom. :)

 

 

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending

the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for

the Best toast of the night".

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in

 

church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the

 

street corner.

 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last

night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years....

 

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by

 

the ears to make him come."

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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

 

 

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

 

 

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

 

Principal:

'What is 3 x 3?'

 

Harry:

'9.'

 

 

Principal:

'What is 6 x 6?'

 

 

Harry:

'36.'

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

 

 

Ms.. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

 

 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

 

 

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

 

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

 

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

 

 

Harry:

'Pants.'

 

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

 

 

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

 

The principal was trembling.

 

 

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

 

Harry:

'Firetruck.'

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the

teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..

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