Any New Jokes

[Nervous God]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

...............

 

 

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[The_Munchmaster]

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, "What you sell?"

 

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

 

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, "You doing velly well then, only two left!"

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

 

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

 

"Oh, yeah. Sure," says Bob sheepishly.

 

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

 

"Err...ever since my wife found it in our bed."

[Nervous God]

 

 

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

 

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite

cheaply.

 

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,

produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

 

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,

so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

 

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever

the bull tried to mount the cow, she would move away.

 

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move

away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

 

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet,

 

who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask

 

his advice.

 

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves

away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward they

said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

 

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other

side. "

 

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered

this before asking,

 

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

 

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever

mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

 

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales" ?

 

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

 

 

"My wife is from Wales".

 

[Flashermac]

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

 

Wife: When should I give them to him?

 

Doctor: They're for you!

 

 

[Flashermac]

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?

 

Caller: Fire, I guess.

 

Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?

 

Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Deptartment put snow chains on their trucks?

 

Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?

 

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Department could come over and help me?

 

Dispatcher: Help you what?

 

Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

 

 

---

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

 

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

 

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

 

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

 

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am. Nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

 

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

 

 

--

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

 

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

 

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

 

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

 

 

---

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

 

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

 

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

 

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......

 

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

 

Caller: No.

 

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

 

Caller: Running from the Police.

 

 

[Nervous God]

 

 

FEMALE COMPASSION.

 

The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!

 

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f--ked?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

 

[Nervous God]

 

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for

his new girlfriend.

 

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland

.

 

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration,

that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too

romantic and not too personal.

 

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of

fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers

for herself at the same time.

 

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items,

the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

 

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the

following letter.

 

 

Dear Maggie,

 

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we

go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have

chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which

are easier to remove).

 

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed

me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly

noticed any marks.

 

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even

though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub

against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed

to wash it since she began wearing them.

 

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt

many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you

again.

 

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because

they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

 

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming

year.

 

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

 

All my love,

 

Chris

 

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down

with a little bit of fur showing.

[The_Munchmaster]

An oldie, but a classic.

[Flashermac]

The Priest And The Bike

 

 

A Catholic priest had his bicycle stolen and thought a member of his congregation was to blame. He consulted his bishop, who suggested he root out the thief by preaching a sermon on the ten commandments. "When you get to 'Thou shalt not steal', you should would pause and look around to see if anyone is acting guilty."

 

A few weeks later, the bishop ran into the priest and asked if the plan had worked. Yes, the priest admitted, but not quite in the way he had expected.

 

"I was going through the Ten Commandments one by one, and when I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I'd left my bike."