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Tales of affairs

 

 

 

 

The 1st Affair

 

 

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary..

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

 

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

 

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

 

He put on his shoes and drove home.

 

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

 

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

 

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

 

She looked down at his shoes and said:

 

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

 

 

The 2nd Affair

 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

 

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

 

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

 

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

 

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

 

 

The 3rd Affair

 

A mortician was working late one night.

 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

 

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

 

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

 

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

 

 

The 4th Affair

 

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

 

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

 

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

 

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

 

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

 

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

 

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

 

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

 

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

 

 

The 6th & Best Affair

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

 

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

 

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

 

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work..'

 

 

 

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Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

 

Well, many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. So he went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night and the farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

 

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

 

'It's a fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'He needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

 

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

 

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

 

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

 

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

 

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

 

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

 

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

 

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

 

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the

phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a

bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

 

 

 

She said:………… "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

 

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

 

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and says "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

 

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

 

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

 

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Profound Thoughts

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss-off and leave me alone.

 

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

 

3. No one is listening until you fart.

 

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

 

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

 

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

 

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

 

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass..... then things just get worse.

 

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

 

 

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