Any New Jokes

[LizardKing]

b-H94pPspa4

[Torneyboy]

Very funny

[Nervous God]

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

 

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

 

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

 

Ian says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune'.

 

'Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our eccint, they might not be nice to us'. 'I'll speak in my bist Aussie eccint.'

 

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

 

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each,

 

100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty peers of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck end...'

 

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

 

'Will... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

 

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners !'.

 

 

[Coss]

55555555555555555

 

Straynge thuh Oorstrahlian percepshun ov owr acceeent

 

'least we don't say "seeeeks Feeeeesh and Cheeeeps"

 

 

LOL

 

 

[Coss]

An Aussie farmer is being shown around an Otago sheep farm by his Kiwi mate.

 

They are driving down a fence line when they come across a ewe with its head stuck in the five wire fence.

 

The Kiwi leaps out, drops his trousers and shags the sheep.

 

Being a good host he turns to his Aussie mate and says: "Your turn, now, mate!"

 

"Are you sure?" replies the Aussie slightly nervously.

 

"Yeh, of course, we're mates and I'm your host".

 

So the Aussie hops out of the Land Rover, drops his trousers, bends down and sticks his head through the five wire fence.

 

 

[cavanami]

Ahhhh, some good bashing from down under!

 

Keep up the god work lads!!

[Nervous God]

 

Hollywood Squares:

 

These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now

 

· Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

 

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde : Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

 

· A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie : No wait until morning.

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

 

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter , and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

 

Q. Paul , why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A... Char ley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie : Ralph , the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter , I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charle y Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver : His feet.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh

[Coss]

Had me laughing out loud some of these.

 

Just got to hide my elephant.

[Coss]

Aussie family arrives in New Zealand.

Son's first day at school and the father say's

"OK son what happened at school today"

"I topped the class at Math's today".

"Well son that's because you're an Australian"

 

Second day at school and the father say's

"what happened at school today"

"I topped class in English"

"Well son that's because you're an Australian".

 

Third day at school and the father say's

"What happened at school today"

"We played mini Rugby and after the game we were in the showers and I noticed that I had a bigger wasser than all the other boys"

 

"Is that because I am an Australian Dad?".

 

"No son" the father relied "that's because your 27".

[Coss]

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

 

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!" (Victoria Bitter, a beer)

 

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

 

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

 

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."