Any New Jokes

[Coss]

A pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.

 

The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'

 

The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'

 

The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'

 

The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'

 

The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'

 

The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'

 

The Barman says 'What?!?!'

 

The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'

[Coss]

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

 

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.

 

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

 

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.

 

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

 

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,

"Who was that?"

"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

 

"Well" the harpooner said,

"he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know s**t about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

[Coss]

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

 

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

[Mekong]

I met a girl in the park the other evening, There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we laid making love I thought,

 

 

 

 

 

 

''These taser guns are well worth the money.''

 

[Coss]

555555555555

 

I got to get me one, do you think they do Hippo strength ones for the NZ girls?

[Nervous God]

I know - I won;t even bother to Snopes, and remember the French had the balls to march on Moscow, BUT

 

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was

in France in the early 60s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.

 

DeGaulle said he wanted all US military

out of France as soon as possible.

 

Rusk responded "Does

that include those who are buried here?"

 

DeGaulle did not

respond.

 

You could have

heard a pin

drop

 

There was a conference in France where a

number of international engineers were taking part, including French and

American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the

room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an

 

aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he

intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied

quietly:

'Our carriers have three hospitals on

board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can

supply

emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three

cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,

 

they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each

day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and

 

injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many

does France have?'

 

You could have

heard a pin drop.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference

that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian, New Zealand

 

and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a

large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French

admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages,

Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to

speak English in these conferences rather than speaking

French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral

replied,

'Maybe it's because the Brits,

Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to

speak German.'

 

You could have

heard a pin

drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN

WITH THE

ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of

83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to

locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the

customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France

previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport

ready."

The American said,

'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

 

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your

passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard

look. Then he quietly explained,

''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in

1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a

 

passport to."

 

You could have

heard a pin drop.

[Pom Michael]

An oldy but a goody!

 

Need to click to open/read it.

[bust]

Man lights up a cigarette and a guy in a wheelchair comes up and says "why do you smoke?" to which he replies "why do you wear shoes?"

[cavanami]

Have You Ever Danced?

 

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

 

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

 

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. never really wanted to."

 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

 

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

 

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

 

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

 

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

 

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

 

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir, but

 

I've always wanted to."

 

There are a few lessons for us all here:

 

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[The_Munchmaster]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

 

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

 

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

 

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

 

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

 

She replied 'THE TEETH.'