Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

 

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

 

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

 

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

 

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

 

'I would like it infrequently', she replied.

 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

[The_Munchmaster]

Just got 3D TV. Fuck me its good! I fell asleep during the Liverpool game and when i woke up my wallet had gone!!!!

[Coss]

55555555555

[Nervous God]

The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

 

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,

"Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

 

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

 

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

 

He prayed very hard for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

"Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

 

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

 

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

 

The guy left.

 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

 

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

 

The guy left.

 

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

 

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

 

The guy left.

 

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

 

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

 

 

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

 

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

 

'Your house!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

 

For the sake of civility, and to keep ‘it’ from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

 

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

 

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[The_Munchmaster]

Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.

 

The first one said he was going to piss him off.

 

He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.

 

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."

 

"Oh aye really? Hmm! I didn't know that."

 

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates.

 

"I told him his St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

 

"You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."

 

The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the shoulder.

 

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

 

"Oh, jings! I didn't know that. Thank you."

 

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.

 

"You're right. He is unshakeable!"

 

The third Englishman said "No, no, no! I will really piss him off. You just watch."

 

The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said...

 

"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

 

"Aye! So your mates were sayin’...."

 

[Flashermac]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

 

 

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

 

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

 

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

 

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

 

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

 

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

 

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

 

After 70, she becomes like Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

 

 

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

 

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts!

 

 

[pasathai1]

1975 Henry Kissenger flew in to Victoria Falls ( rhodesia)

to make a speech, at each pause in his speech the crowd shouted "boskak"

 

Kissenger thought his message was being cheered

 

on the way back to the hilo, one of his men pulled him aside and said " careful, don't step in the boskak"

 

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

In case you hadn't noticed it, this is a jokes thread. You to Flash.

[The_Munchmaster]

HOMER'S BEER SONG

 

DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.

 

*ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!

 

DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... a long way to get beer...

SO...... I'll have another beer...

LA..... I'll have another beer...

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to...

(Looks into an empty glass)

 

D'OH!