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Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

 

However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.

 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

 

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." :cover:

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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

 

 

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

 

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

 

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

 

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

 

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

 

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

 

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

 

After 70, she becomes like Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

 

 

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

 

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts!

 

Another version of this joke is that:

After 70,she becomes like Siberia.Everybody know where it is but no one wants to go there.

 

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TAX TIME

 

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I managed to raise a thousand little cocks last year."

 

"Chicken Farmer it is."

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I doubt it's real but it's a nice touch

 

AN ACTUAL 'CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS' AD

 

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

 

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

 

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message .

 

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

 

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

 

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target .

 

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

 

; In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky . Have a good day!

 

Thoughtfully yours ,

 

Alex

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Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

 

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

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After a long night of making love,

the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'

he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'

she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'

he continues.

'No, not at all,'

she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'

he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'

he demands.

She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...

 

 

 

 

 

************************************

 

Clean can be funny.

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

*****************************************

 

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

 

 

 

 

 

********************************************

 

 

 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

cid:B0A7A6D26E8B4B39BBD8A8EAC02164A2@ReceptionReload

 

 

 

*************************************

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

 

 

 

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

 

 

 

 

***********************************************

 

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

 

 

 

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

 

 

***************************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

 

Margaret looked him over and said "Nope".

 

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

 

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

 

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

 

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

 

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

 

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat..."

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