Any New Jokes

[unit731]

Knock. Knock.

 

[Hamokhamok]

From the back pew...

 

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the

congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,

they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded,

so would his paycheck.

 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation

decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

 

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the

pastor's additional children were costing the church,

and how much more it could potentially cost.

 

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his

chair and spoke,

"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

 

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady

struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,

 

"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

 

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

[Hamokhamok]

Under a Scotsman's kilt

 

Click on the link below . . .

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM

[Hamokhamok]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

 

 

'My good man,' the fairy said,

'I've been told by David Cameron to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.'

 

The man told the fairy:

'Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

 

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

 

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.

'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq; I want to bring them all over here.

 

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

 

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

 

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be English with English clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the English.'

 

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said

'Tough luck. Now that you are English,

You're entitled to

Sweet f*** all like the rest of usâ€.

And she disappeared.

[The_Munchmaster]

Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

 

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

 

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

 

The Italian replied; "No."

[teddy]

My mate told me the other day that my grammar was shit.

 

I had the last laugh though, and told him that his grandad was a cunt.

[teddy]

Barman says to Paddy "Your glass is empty do you want another one?" Paddy says "Why the fuck would l want two empty glasses?"

[teddy]

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

 

Only partially.

[teddy]

'I have an erection.'

 

Said Sean Connery when I asked him what kind of phone he had.

[Flashermac]