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As a bagpiper, I play at many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

 

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery near Ecclefechan north of Annan.

 

As I am not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop and ask for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

 

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

 

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

 

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

 

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club.

 

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

 

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

 

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

 

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

 

Scot: Aye, so do I.

 

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

 

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

 

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

 

Scot: Aye, I be that.

 

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

 

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

 

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

 

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

 

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

 

'Sure.'

 

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

 

'No, I can remember it.'

 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

 

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

 

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

 

She stares at the plate for a moment and then says 'where’s my toast?’

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The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

Here are the winners:

 

1. Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

 

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

 

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

 

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

11.Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

 

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

 

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

 

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

 

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

 

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

 

'We use it for sex.'

 

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

 

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you

tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

 

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...

 

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

 

 

 

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...!

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An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club.

 

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

 

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

 

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

 

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

 

Scot: Aye, so do I.

 

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

 

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

 

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

 

Scot: Aye, I be that.

 

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

 

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

 

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

 

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

 

as the thai's say...........i like.... :rotfl:

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