Any New Jokes

[sayjann]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

 

"I afraid I don't have a husband" she replied "O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

 

"No, no boyfriend either."

 

"Do you have a partner then?"

 

"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

 

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

 

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

 

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

 

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that’s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

 

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

 

"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that’s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted Eyes."

 

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

 

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

 

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

 

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

 

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark".

 

 

not a joke by myself just a true story about my ex-wife.

she was a midwife and helped delivered at about the time Rock Hudson died.

the grandmothers fave actor of all time was Rock Hudson and the babies mother decided to call the baby Rock.

my ex and others finally persuaded the mother not to call the baby Rock.

after all her surname was SALMON......

[The_Munchmaster]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.'

 

Passenger: 'Who?'

 

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman... He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

 

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

 

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

 

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

 

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

 

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

 

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

 

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

 

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

 

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his F*CKIN’ wife."

[The_Munchmaster]

A guy is driving around the back lanes of Lancashire.

 

He sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

'You talk?' he asks.

 

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young...I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

 

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

 

'I got married, had lots of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

 

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden'

[Flashermac]

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Flashermac]

Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies

 

 

1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

 

2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

 

3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

 

4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

 

5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

 

6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

 

7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

 

8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 

[Flashermac]

[The_Munchmaster]

WARNING: You'll probably need to know your Bible to appreciate this one!

 

The Bibel

 

There was an old farmer digging post holes in his paddock near the main road, when a black car pulled up with steam billowing from under its bonnet.

 

Two men, both attired in black suits, white shirts and black ties, got out of the car and approached the old farmer. "Excuse me sir, can you please help us as our car seams to have become incapacitated".

 

"Yer better let me have a look then", replied the farmer and after looking under the bonnet, he filled the radiator with water from the sheep trough and said, "Ya have hole in ya radiator, if ya leave ya radiator cap off it will get ya to the next town, Kickaginalong. When ya get there go and see old Fred at the Caltex garage.

 

"Thats a lovely deed you’ve done sir, you’re a good samaritian in a harsh land", said one of the men. "We would like to thank you by giving you a book in appreciationâ€, said the other.

 

"Nope, not fur meâ€, said the farmer, “I havent got time fur readen’, I’m up with the sparras and into bed with the chooks".

 

"Perhaps if we read you a passage from the book you might like to take it", said the one of the men.

 

"Well go on then, be quick, I gotta get home fur me tea", said the farmer.

 

"Well, there were two people called Samson and Delilah and they were grinding corn near Jerusalem, when a thousand Philistines came across the top of the hill. Now Samson slew a hundred of them with the jaw bone of an ass and routed the rest!"

 

"Jeez, that’s a beaut of a story, whats the book called?" said the farmer scratching his head.

 

"Its called the Bibleâ€, said one of the suited gents.

 

"Who wrote itâ€, asked the farmer.

 

"The Lord wrote the Bible", said the gent in a hushed voice.

 

"Never heard of himâ€, said the farmer, “But if ya givin it away I wouldn’t mind havin itâ€.

 

"Here you are, you deserve it, you’re a good man", said the gent and they left.

 

On Friday night the farmer goes into town and walks into the pub with the Bible under his arm. One of his mates pipes up, “G’day Jock what’s that under your wing?â€

 

“It’s a book and I’ll let you read it when I’m finishedâ€, says Jock.

 

"You don’t read ya silly old bugger….what’s it called anywayâ€, mocks his mate.

 

“It’s called the Bibel†replies Jock, “and it’s a hell of a book. I’ll tell ya a passage out of it then you’ll want it".

 

“Go on then, this I gotta hear" says his mate.

 

Jock puffs his chest out and starts, "Well, there were two people called Simpson and Delicious and they were having a grind in the corn near Jerilderie, when a thousand Philipinos came across the top of the hill. Now Simpson slew a hundred of them with the ass bone of a Jew and rooted the rest!"

[The_Munchmaster]

[HellsBells]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

 

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

 

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*ck her again."

[Flashermac]

A Yorkshire man asked to have inscribed on his wife's headstone, "She was Thine."

 

After they contacted him to say the finished stone had been erected, he went to the cemetery to see it. It read: "She was Thin."

 

He was so upset that he immediately went to the monument firm to complain, telling the supervisor that they had left the "E" off his wife's gravestone. He was told the mistake would be promptly dealt with.

 

A few days later he returned to the cemetery to see the corrected inscription. It read: "EE, She was Thin."