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Who says Scots are tight ???

 

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,

marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran

and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,

which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

How much to repair it? The Scot asks the chemist.

Six pence, says the chemist.

How much for a new one?

Ten pence, says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief

and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,

and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,

followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists

and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

The regiment has taken a vote, he says.

“We'll buy a new one."

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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

 

The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.

 

 

 

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

 

 

 

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

 

 

 

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

 

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

 

 

 

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

 

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

 

 

 

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

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T H E I T A L I A N E L B O W

 

 

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

 

 

“You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow,pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

 

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

 

"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?!"

 

 

 

 

Wise Italian Grandfather?

 

 

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

 

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside : “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

 

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘time’s up’? “

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A confession

 

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

 

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

 

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

 

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

 

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

 

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

 

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

 

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

 

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

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Medical test

 

-----

 

After his exam the doctor said to Senior citizen David, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?â€

 

“In fact, I do,†said David, “After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.â€

 

After examining his elderly wife Roberta, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?â€

 

Roberta replied that she had no questions or concerns.

 

The doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?â€

 

“Oh that crazy old fart,†she replied, “That's because the first time is usually in May and the second time is in December!â€

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This shouldn't really be in the jokes forum as it's a true story! :liar:

 

In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, England, lives a lady by the name of Linda Lykes.

 

She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.

 

cock-inn.jpg

 

Her mail is addressed:

 

linda-lykes-the-cockwell-inn.png

 

The Postie still laughs with every delivery.

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AT THE 2012 OLYMPICS THE 100m FINAL WILL BE LIKE ANY OTHER FRIDAY NIGHT IN LONDON . IN THE 100 METRES FINAL YOU WILL HEAR A GUN SHOT FOLLOWED BY EIGHT BLACKS LEGGING IT.

 

Sorry about capitals but thats the way I got these.

============================================================================================

 

COPS STOP A PAKI IN A TRANSIT VAN ON THE MOTORWAY. COP SAYS YOU DO KNOW THE LIMIT IS 70 DON'T YOU. PAKI LOOKS IN THE BACK AND SHOUTS "HEAR THAT. TWO OF YOU WILL HAVE TO GET OUT!!

 

=============================================================================================

 

LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL TEAM HAVE JUST SIGNED A NEW BLACK ITALIAN STRIKER CALLED "GRABATELI"

 

============================================================================================

 

BOOTS REPORTED THAT AFTER THE RIOTS AND LOOTING IN LONDON THE ONLY THING LEFT ON THE SHELVES WAS FAKE TAN.

 

==================================================================================================

 

THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT HAS REACTED TO WORLDWIDE RIOTING BY SENDING RESCUE VEHICLES TO EVACUATE THE BRITISH CITIZENS. THEY SENT 3 SHIPS TO LIBYA , 2 PLANES TO SOMALIA AND A TAXI TO BIRMINGHAM

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