Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

 

A man is sitting on a blanket at the beach. He has no arms and no legs.

 

Three women, from England , Wales, and Scotland, walk past and feel sorry for the poor man.

 

The English woman asked him, "Have you ever been hugged?"

 

The man said "No," so she gave him a big hug and walked on.

 

The Welsh woman asked him, "Have you ever been kissed?"

 

The man said, "No," so she gave him a big kiss and walked on.

 

Then the Scottish woman asked him, "Have ya ever been fucked laddie?"

 

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

 

She replied, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

[huumlaar]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a

lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air

and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes

her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and

states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this

decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker

telling you your hair smells nice ?'

The woman replies, 'It's Keith , the dwarf.'

[Redbaron]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Hamokhamok]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

 

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

 

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

 

'Very good', says the teacher.

 

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

 

'Excellent.'

 

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

 

'I had fuck all', he says, ' F-U-C-K-A-L-L'.

 

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

 

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

 

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

 

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

 

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

 

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

 

That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

 

 

 

A Few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee". There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.

 

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.

 

Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

 

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

 

Before we know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

 

We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.

 

At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

 

Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

 

Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

 

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

 

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.

 

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

[Hamokhamok]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

S

iamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar

stool.

 

 

 

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the

hip.

I'm John, he's Jim.

Two

Molson

Canadian beers, draft please."The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, lads?""Off to England next month," says John.

"We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles.

Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees."Ah, England!" says the bartender.

"Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...""Nah, we don't like that British

Stuff

," says John.

"Hamburgers and

Molson

's beer, that's us, eh Jim?

And we can't stand the English -

they're so arrogant and rude."

 

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

 

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Mekong]

 

 

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

 

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

 

That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.

 

Bastard, that one made me spit coffee on my monitor, haha nice one

[Hamokhamok]

FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE

 

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

>

They got off at Quality Street .

 

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said,

with a Wispa.

... ... 'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

 

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

>

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

>

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

>

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

>

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

>

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

 

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts

[Flashermac]

 

 

[Hamokhamok]

This is for all our golfers..

 

 

 

 

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

 

Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

 

Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

 

Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

 

Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

 

Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."

 

Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

 

Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

 

Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago sir."

 

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

 

Bonus . . .

An old favorite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole ....

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .. . ?"

Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."

The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . .

Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"