Any New Jokes

[Hamokhamok]

... When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

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I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.

God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

 

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

 

*****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

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I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

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You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

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Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

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The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

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Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

True

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Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

 

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

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In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Jonathan Katz

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If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

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I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C. Clarke

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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

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Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

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America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

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If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Jonathan Winters

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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley

[Hamokhamok]

'Jesus Knows You're Here'

 

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

 

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

 

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

 

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

 

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

 

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

 

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

 

'Moses', replied the bird.

 

'Moses'?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?'

 

 

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'.'

[radioman]

With apologies to my Irish friends! Oh sod it, they'll think they're true

 

 

Ah, to be shure! The Oirish.

 

 

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want

the winner of the next race ?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."

 

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a

sweepstake to guess where they were going.

The driver won £52 !

 

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided

to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

 

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says " I've just found a sandwich dat

looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "is it tickin ?"

Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

 

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're

going to drill for their own oil.

 

Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

 

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find

the shampoo?"

Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

 

Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them

to the police station.

Mick says "What if one explodes before we get there ?"

Paddy replies "We'll lie and say we only found two !"

 

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me."

Paddy says "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

 

Paddy spies a letter lying on the doormat.

It says on the envelope 'DO NOT BEND '.

Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick

the letter up.

 

Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper".

He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper" his wife asks.

"Here Boy" he replies.

 

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in and sees him hanging by his

feet.

"What the hell are you doing" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be round your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "But I couldn't breathe".

 

Mick asks Paddy "Why do scuba divers always fall

backwards off their boat ?".

Paddy replies 'If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat".

[Flashermac]

 

[Hamokhamok]

Good Irish jokes.

 

WE are not offended.

[radioman]

(Shameless copy/paste from elsewhere).

 

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in

the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 

And the winners are:

 

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[BelgianBoy]

[Flashermac]

[teddy]

A blonde woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, laughed, and responded, "Those aren't postage stamps darling, they're the stickers you get on bananas!"

[Flashermac]

Tips For Proper English

 

* Avoid alliteration. Always.

* Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

* Employ the vernacular.

* Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

* Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

* Remember to never split an infinitive.

* Contractions aren't necessary.

 

* Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

* One should never generalise.

* Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

* Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

* Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

* Be more or less specific.

* Understatement is always best.

 

* One-word sentences? Eliminate.

* Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

* The passive voice is to be avoided.

* Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

* Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

* Who needs rhetorical questions?

* Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

 

* Don't never use a double negation.

* Capitalise every sentence and remember always end it with point

* Do not put statements in the negative form.

* Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

* Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

* If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

* A writer must not shift your point of view.

 

* And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

* Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

* Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

* Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

* If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

* Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

* Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

 

* Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.