Any New Jokes

[Flashermac]

[teddy]

You get a star on your homework.

 

p.s. I thought Platitudinous Ponderous sounded like a Roman general.

 

You're thinking of Biggus Dickus. Platitudinous Ponderous was a Senator.

[bust]

[Flashermac]

[The_Munchmaster]

Irish Lubricant

 

Murphy's' wife had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

 

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. "Hey Murph, you just had you a son, ain't dat grand."

 

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on, we ain't finished yet!"

 

The doctor then delivered a little girl and said, "Hey Murph, you got you a daughter! She's a pretty lil ting to."

 

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we aint got done yet!"

 

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"

 

Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception." "Ah yeah, during conception" said Murphy.

 

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat der 3-in-1 Oil." She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night." Murph replied, "Well I'll tell you.....it's a bloody good thing we didn't use WD-40."

[The_Munchmaster]

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

 

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

 

"Yes officer?"

 

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

 

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

 

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

 

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

 

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

 

"I am 18 Officer."

 

"And the girl?"

 

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 16 in 11 minutes."

 

[Flashermac]

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

 

 

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

 

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

 

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

 

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

 

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

 

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

 

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

[cavanami]

...the US gov bans the hiring of people over 60...nothing like age discrimination!!!

 

...at least in the civil servant positions...politicians, of course, no age limit!!!

[Flashermac]

That we know of ...

 

[Flashermac]