Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
bust

Any New Jokes

Recommended Posts

14 hours ago, Palatkik said:

badeyesight.JPG.be085f67d6790100b475d49731776010.JPG

Ahh in the immortal words of Andrew Dice Clay (paraphrased) "What do you expect with Asian drivers, you can blindfold them with dental floss".  Yes I do mention that to my (Thai) wife and the wounds are healing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Palatkik,

They are getting worse please keep it up.  ...  Even thou I thought one look more like Campbell’s (Soup) then Mc Donalds (wearing Different Tartan, pedantic prick that I am)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Golden Oldies revisited:
 
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding day which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the event went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said "Please remove my shoes darling. One's feet are killing me".
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor......but it would not budge.
"Harder" yelled Camilla.
"Harder?" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying darling ! But it's just so bloody tight !"
"Come on give it all you've got" she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, "There ! Oh God, that feels so good."
In their bedroom next door the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!"
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, "Oh god, darling this ones even tighter".
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen, "That's my boy, once a navy man.........always a navy man!"
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Google Pizza
 
CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
 
CALLER:
OK.  I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
 
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!.
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
 
CALLER:
How the hell do you know?!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.
 
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
 
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
 
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL?!!!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
 
CALLER:
Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WTF?

I thought this was the joke thread. That last post was eerily prescient. Plenty of people out there who want at least this, and more. 😔

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×