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An atheist was walking through the woods one day.

 

"What majestic trees," he said. "What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"

 

As he was walked along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. He turned and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging straight at him! The man ran as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

 

Suddenly, the man tripped and fell. The bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right to strike him. The Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

 

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky. "You have denied my existence for many years, teaching others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out? Am I to count you suddenly as a believer"?

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be treated to be as a believer now, but perhaps You could make the bear a Christian."

 

"Very Well," said the voice, and the light vanished.

 

The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke:

 

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty. Amen."

 

 

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A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.

 

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

 

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.

 

She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis.

 

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

 

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

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Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush.You have AIDS".

 

 

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

 

 

"Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,! 1 huge box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

 

 

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

 

 

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

 

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!!!"

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The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker who will hopefully help Liverpool win the title.

 

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a superstar.

 

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

 

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for

Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love

the new star.

 

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello Mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everyone loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

 

"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your

brother has joined a gang of looters, all whilst you were having a great time."

 

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm SO sorry."

 

"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:

 

"I'll have a brandy...........................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

..............................................................

..........and coke."

 

The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"

 

The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."

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A ManU fan is on his way home to Surrey after the match sporting his replica top.

 

Suddenly he drops down dead of a heart attack and next thing he awakes outside the pearly gates.

 

He rings the bell and St Peter answers,

 

"What the feck do you want", says St Peter, stirring in disgust at his replica top.

 

"I want to come in says the Manc",

 

"Feck off says St Peter, we don't allow Mancs in here",

 

"But I have been good all my life", replies the Manc, "I have always given to charities, heck just this morning I gave 15 pounds to the poor kids in Africa".

 

"Ok, I'll have a word with the boss, see what I can do, you stay here", says St Peter.

 

St Peter reappears after 5 minutes with 3 five pound notes in his hand.

 

"I've had a word with the boss and we both agree, here's your fifteen pounds back, now feck off!"

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