Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
bust

Any New Jokes

Recommended Posts

A man had just settled into his window seat on a plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and promptly placed his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.

 

The man looked quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.

 

The stranger explained that he was a DEA agent, and that this was a highly trained drug-sniffing dog.

 

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

 

The plane took off, and once it had leveled, the agent said turned and said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to search.

 

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

 

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

 

The agent said, "Good boy!" He turned and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will arrest her when we land."

 

"That's pretty neat" replied the first man.

 

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.

 

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

 

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

 

The agent then told Sniffer to search again.

 

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a while, sat down for a moment, then came racing back to the agent. Sniffer jumped into the middle seat and began crapping all over it!

 

The first man was outragged out by this behavior and asked the agent, "What the hell is going on?"

 

The agent replied quite nervously, "Sniffer just found a bomb!"

 

:shocked:

 

 

Edited by Guest

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

 

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother

thru?

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... Dad... I became a prostitute...."

 

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

 

"OK Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex ..... and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the golf club.... (takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... "

 

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff."

 

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant". Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop window "Talking Centipede, £5,000."

 

He buys it takes it home in a small box and after about 30 mins opens the box and asks it if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesn't answer.

 

Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply, getting angry and feeling ripped off he begins to shout the question at the centipede, at this point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says "I heard you the first time, I'm putting my feckin shoes on."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop window "Talking Centipede, £5,000."

 

He buys it takes it home in a small box and after about 30 mins opens the box and asks it if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesn't answer.

 

Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply, getting angry and feeling ripped off he begins to shout the question at the centipede, at this point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says "I heard you th :D e first time, I'm putting my feckin shoes on."

 

Classic.. :D

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home, watching TV and enjoying a beer, when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, you sign." Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

 

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign, you sign."

 

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

 

The exact thing happens each day for the next three days.

 

On the fifth day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck full of brake pads.

 

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look I don't want these or any other car parts! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Tell me who you are trying to deliver these to!

 

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says, "So you not Nissan Main Deala?"

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry...been through most of the jokes....on this thread Muchie wins hands down...I wet my self laughting.........555555555 - too many classic's

 

There's no accounting for taste :shakehead

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home, watching TV and enjoying a beer, when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, you sign." Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

 

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign, you sign."

 

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

 

The exact thing happens each day for the next three days.

 

On the fifth day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck full of brake pads.

 

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look I don't want these or any other car parts! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Tell me who you are trying to deliver these to!

 

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says, "So you not Nissan Main Deala?"

 

 

I would laugh but I have a really stiff neck. I took a viagra this morning and didn't swallow quickly enough

 

Edited by Guest

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...