Any New Jokes

[khun_khon_neua]

This seemed really appropriate considering the constant undercurrent here on the this subject. Apologize if itâ??s has been posted already.

 

 

Self Exam For Men... Am I Gay?

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.

It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have

spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the

Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,

but gay-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a

delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And

just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get

your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...

'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed,

you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such

nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on

bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs

feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a

fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a

parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is

his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will

never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy

Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four

different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as

well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory

space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out

chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can

name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are

faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to

tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at

a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs

that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his

beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list

because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitley

on the verge of being a fudge packer.

[Vintage_Kwai]

Dunno. These things show up on an intermittent basis in my emails..

 

Anyways..

 

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

 

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" clothes.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

 

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Father Damascus, good morning, Father Simonelli"

and passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

 

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

 

Once again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Fathers" and started to walk away.

 

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said.

"Just a minute young lady"

"Yes?" she replied.

 

"We ARE priests, to be sure, and proud of it. We only dressed this way so as to enjoy our vacation. One other thing, I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"

"Because Father, it's me, Sister Angela, I'm on vacation too!" she replied.

[Old Hippie]

This seemed really appropriate considering the constant undercurrent here on the this subject. Apologize if itâ??s has been posted already.

 

 

Self Exam For Men... Am I Gay?

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.

It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have

spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the

Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,

but gay-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a

delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And

just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get

your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...

'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed,

you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such

nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on

bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs

feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a

fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a

parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is

his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will

never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy

Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four

different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as

well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory

space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out

chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can

name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are

faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to

tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at

a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs

that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his

beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list

because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitley

on the verge of being a fudge packer.

 

 

Absolutely correct.

[unit731]

I have to place both hands on my 16 year old automobile as one hand is not strong enough to prevent the autombile from leaving the road by itself !

 

So I have to take exception to that 'rule'!

 

[Old Hippie]

I will grant you a special dispensation under the 3rd and 5th articles of "non gay driving." However, sub section 6 of the 8th article clearly states, you MUST remove one hand when ever possible. Drive safe.

[sayjann]

i have 4 cats........what does that say????????

 

but in my defence i do drive one-handed most of the time,does that make up for it?.

Edited August 30, 2008 by Guest

[Old Hippie]

4 cats? hmmm...this could be gay. Of course, as it is an even number, you may be o.k. here. Are they 2 couples? as in 2 females and 2 males? 3 and 1? or 4 of the same? if you have 4 male cats, this is as gay as having 4 females. a tough call, but as you usually drive 1 handed, I may be able to grant you a clemency here. Of course, it all comes down to which hand is the dominate driving hand?

 

I have just reviewed your case with the central gay review committee. It seems you do have an additional tool you can use to avoid gayness regarding cat ownership. Do you live in an area with a lot of mice or rats? if so, and if the primary purpose of these cats is to rid your home of said rodents, then the felines would fall under the classification of "TOOLS" and thus, as tools are indeed extremely manly, gayness is not the case. From the gay review board...

 

Article 12 paragraph 2 subsection3 "...any ownership of a cat shall indeed be gay, unless said cat is used for the purpose of rodent control. In which case said cat is deemed a tool, and thus cannot be gay..."

 

This is confirmed by article 1, paragraph 2 main section "...the following shall never be deemed gay...TOOLS...with the exception of sewing machines used by men, in which case, an immediate ruling of gay must be invoked, and cannot EVER be revoked..."

 

So it appears you *may* be in the clear here.

[Flashermac]

Anyone who doesn't own at least 3 or 4 firearms is suspicious. Real men like FIREPOWER!

 

[sayjann]

2 cats who are brothers,another male and a female who is the oldest.

only 1 is a tool(the elder male) who likes to hunt,the others couldn't catch a cold......

does it make a difference if all are black..... :question:

 

driving question is difficult.

we drive on different sides of the road so your view might be distorted.

i am right-handed but drive mainly with my left hand.

only because i normally have a cigarette in my right hand and easier to get rid off the ash out of the window............

 

should i make love to my GF this Weekend to prove i am not gay?.

should i post photos of the act?.

 

[CTO]

<>

 

Maybe your gay with only have one arm?