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Jake the Inventor is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks â??Have you got the time?'

 

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. 'It's a quarter to six,' he says.

 

'Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!' exclaims the stranger.

 

Jake brightens a little. 'Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out' - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis.

 

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says â??The time is eleven 'til six' in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues 'I've put in regional accents for each city'. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

 

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. 'That's not all,' says Jake.

 

He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. 'The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,' explains Jake.

 

'View recede ten,' Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

 

'I want to buy this watch!' says the stranger.

 

'Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs,â?? says the inventor. 'But look at this,' and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,â?? though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far' says Jake.

 

'I've got to have this watch!' says the stranger.

 

'No, you don't understand; it's not ready.' 'I'll give you $1000 for it!'

 

'Oh, no, I've already spent more than -' 'I'll give you $5000 for it!'

 

'But it's just not -'

 

'I'll give you $15,000 for it!' And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

 

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. 'Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.'

 

Jake abruptly makes his decision. 'OK,' he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. 'Hey, wait a minute,' calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

 

'DON'T FORGET THE BATTERIES!!!

 

 

I sent this one to my brother !

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Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?

 

Tequila!!!!!!

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Two priests were standing at the urinals in the Vatican. One noticed that his friend was wearing a Nicorette patch on his old fella. He felt he needed to comment that he thought they were meant to be on the arm or the shoulder not the dick.

 

The other replied â??Well it sure is working, Iâ??m down to two butts a dayâ?Â.

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An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

 

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to quench

 

his parched throat.

 

 

 

 

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

 

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and

 

clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun

 

in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

 

 

 

 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,

 

'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

 

 

 

 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never

 

danced, and I've never wanted too.'

 

 

 

 

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and

 

said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started

 

shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order not

 

to get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping

 

around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing

 

fit to be tied.

 

 

 

 

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still

 

laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into

 

the saloon.

 

 

 

 

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled

 

shot-gun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double

 

click's carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped

 

laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too,

 

and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

 

 

 

 

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer

 

and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard

 

to swallow. The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old

 

man's hands.

 

 

 

 

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's arse?' The young bully swallowed hard and said,

 

'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'

 

 

 

 

There are two lessons for us all here:

 

 

 

 

1. Don't waste ammunition.

 

2. Don't mess with old people.

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The Rules of Cricket (Simplified)

 

 

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

 

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

 

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

 

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

 

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

 

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

 

When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

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