sayjann Posted March 16, 2009 Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai-dee Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drogon Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Torneyboy Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Excellent.. :thumbup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai-dee Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS * I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. * I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. * Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. * Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. * Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. * Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. * It's best for employers that I not work with people. * Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience. * You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. * Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. * I was working for my mom until she decided to move. * Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. * I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. * I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. * I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. * My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. * I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. * Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. * As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. * Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. * Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job. * Marital status: often. Children: various. * Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions. * The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. * Finished eighth in my class of ten. * References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai-dee Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 Doctors' notes on patients charts: (actual notes - unedited!) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993 The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed Discharge status: Alive but without permission Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful The patient refused an autopsy The patient has no past history of suicides Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up She is numb from her toes down While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home The skin was moist and dry Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches Patient was alert and unresponsive Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized The lab test indicated abnormal lover function The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead Skin: Somewhat pale but present The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor Patient was seen in consultation by Dr X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai-dee Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 How to conduct an autopsy A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear". At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index"!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai-dee Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks! Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman:" Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing". Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai-dee Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 Holiday Spirit A young lawyer was driving her new Lexus when she saw two men eating grass by the road side. She stopped and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", she asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But ma'am, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", she said to the other man. "But ma'am, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" She called her husband and asked him to come over and take the second man's family. They all climbed into the cars. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Ma'am, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai-dee Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 REFERENCE THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH: Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Sd/- Project Leader ----------------------------------------------------------------- A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER: That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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