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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.




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* I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

* I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

* Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

* Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

* Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

* Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

* It's best for employers that I not work with people.

* Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

* You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

* Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

* I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

* Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

* I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

* I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

* I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

* My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

* I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

* Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

* As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

* Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

* Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.

* Marital status: often. Children: various.

* Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

* The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

* Finished eighth in my class of ten.

* References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

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Doctors' notes on patients charts: (actual notes - unedited!)


Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year


On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely


She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night


The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993


The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed


Discharge status: Alive but without permission


Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful


The patient refused an autopsy


The patient has no past history of suicides


Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital


Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days


Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch


Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant


Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up


She is numb from her toes down


While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home


The skin was moist and dry


Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches


Patient was alert and unresponsive


Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid


She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce


I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy


Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation


Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized


The lab test indicated abnormal lover function


The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead


Skin: Somewhat pale but present


The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor


Patient was seen in consultation by Dr X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree


Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

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How to conduct an autopsy


A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear".


At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow suit.


"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index"!!!

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Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!



Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."


Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."


Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman:" Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."


Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"


Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."


Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."


Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."


Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."


Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter"


Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized!"


Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"


Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."


Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."


Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".


Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."


Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."

Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."


Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."


Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?


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Holiday Spirit


A young lawyer was driving her new Lexus when she saw two men eating grass by the road side. She stopped and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", she asked one man.


"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.


"Oh, come along with me then."


"But ma'am, I have a wife with two children!"


"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", she said to the other man.


"But ma'am, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.


"Bring them as well!" She called her husband and asked him to come over and take the second man's family.


They all climbed into the cars. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Ma'am, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."


The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.."

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Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.




Project Leader






That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the

report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd

numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.


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