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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

 

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

 

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

 

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

 

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed.

 

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

 

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A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

 

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

 

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

 

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

 

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland said to a priest who sat next to her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

 

"Of course," he replied. "What can I do for you?"

 

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It is unopened and it's over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?"

 

"I would love to help you, but I must warn you. I will not lie."

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

 

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

 

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

 

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date unused."

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

 

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A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

 

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

 

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

 

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

 

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

 

Bird lovers ..now the dog lovers :D

 

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A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.

 

While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.

 

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

 

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

 

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following Items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

 

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

 

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

 

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

 

He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay.

 

He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.

 

He thinks... this is okay.

 

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

 

In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

 

At two seconds the Baileys curdles.

 

At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.

 

At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

 

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

 

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

 

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

 

===========================================================================================

 

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

 

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced, "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

 

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

 

Just then, her pager begin to emit a beep, beep,beep.

 

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!"

 

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Two Taliban spies met in a busy restaurant after successfully slipping into the United States.

 

The first spy started speaking in Arabic. His comrade quickly hushed him. He whispered, "Idiot! Don't blow our cover! You're in California now. Speak Spanish."

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There were three blokes, the ozzie, the pomm and the Yankee.

 

 

I don't know how it happened but all three happened to die at roughly the same time, so obviosly they all wound up outside Pete's gates at the same time. Peter said you, Australian man come forth, and so he did. Peter questioned the Aussie about his faithfullness to his wife during his married years. The Ausie explained that allthough he was a good husband it was the booze and his good *aussie* looks that let him down. Peter therefor explained that because of such behavior once admitted to heaven the car he he would have to drive for the rest of eternity would be a ex-bangkok taxi. Dissapointed the Aussie made his way into heaven in his new yellow and green chariot.

 

Then Peter summoned the Englishman. Pomm he said, tell me about your monogamy throughout your married years. The Englishman explained to Peter that he too was a good husband allthough on only a few occasions did he have sex outside of his marriage but on the whole was over thirty years a faithfull husband. Peter agreed this was niether good nor bad, so for eternity the Englishman was given a new Isuzu DMax to tour heaven in.

 

Then lastly the American. Peter summoned the American and too asked him to detail his faithfullness throughout his married years. The American explained that he was married for 35 years, his wife was the first woman he'd ever kissed let alone lost his virginity with, he never betrayed his wife, never even kissed another woman. Peter, impressed felt it was only due to reward the American for his efforts with a 7 series BWM. Overjoyed the American departed Peters gates with a burnout and fucked off into heaven.

 

A number of days later the Aussie was cruising around in heaven, as you would, and then saw his mate from the gates, the American. In awe of the Americans new car the Aussie guy decided to go say hi and check out the Yankee's new beast. When he went over to the car he saw the American was sobbing, distraught. The Aussie said to the American, whats wrong? your in heaven, you have this beautiful new BMW 7 Series sedan and your in tears, what's the matter with you?

 

The American between sobbs said to the Aussie, I just saw my wife, she was riding a scooter.....

 

 

FA...

 

 

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You probably have to be an Aussie to get this one.

 

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

 

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

 

The other one replied, "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

 

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

 

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

 

 

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DUCT TAPE

 

Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT good for fixing everything.

 

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

 

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

 

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

 

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

 

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

 

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.

 

"Sensible" says Jeff.

 

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

 

"And what happened then?"

 

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

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