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There were two nuns.


One of them was known as Sister Mathematical(SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical(SL).


It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.


SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.


SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.


SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?


SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.


SM: It's not working.


SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.. He started to walk faster, too.


SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.


SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.


So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.




Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.


Then Sister Logical arrives.


SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!


SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.


SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?


SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.


SM: And?


SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me..


SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?


SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.


SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?


SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.





SM: Oh, no! What happened then?


SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down.


And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,


Say two Hail Marys!


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After having their 11th child, a Glasgow couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.


The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. However a less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.


The man said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'


'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.


So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.



Note: This procedure also works in Birminham, Bradford, parts of Manchester and anywhere in Wales and Ireland.



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So who has the letter the Irish guy wrote complaining to the family planning clinic? Stuff about the Dutch cap not working cos it was too tight and gave her a headache or the coil that didn't work presumably because it was a left handed thread whilst his wife was most definitely a right hand screw!


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Blond Problems



A not to bright blonde dashes into the telepone office yelling that she

must call her mother urgently. Sensing an easy target the guy behind

the counter says it will cost $200. She says she doesn't have that much

and will do anything to make the call. The guy takes her into the back

room and sits down. He tells her to unzip his pants and pull out his

cock. Then he has her stroke it until it is hard. He throws back his

head and screams "Go for it baby". She bends right down until the head

is almost touching her mouth. "Mum....hello....can you hear me ?"


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Each day a college professor starts his class off with a dirty joke, usually derogatory towards women.


One day all the women in the class decide that the next time he does it, theyâ??re just going to get up and leave the class, in protest, without saying anything. A male student overhears them planning this, and notifies the teacher.


The professor opens the next class with, â??Did you hear about the shortage of whores in Russia?â? And sure enough all the females get up and hurry to the door to leave.


The professor shouts, â??Wait! The boat doesnâ??t leave â??till Monday!â?Â

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A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits an English farmer.


"So,English farmer,how do you shag your sheep?"


"Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."


"That's very interesting,"replies the researcher and he leaves the English farmer.Then he meets an Australian farmer.


"So,Australian farmer,how do you shag your sheep?"


"Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."


"That's very interesting,"replies the researcher,"That's how they do it in England too."And he leaves the Australian farmer.


Then he meets a farmer from New Zealand.


"So,kiwi farmer,how do you shag your sheep?"


"Well,I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and I take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."


"Over your shoulders?"replies the researcher,"Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"


"What?"says the farmer,"and miss out on all the kissing?"

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The definitive guide to Aussies



The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

All our best heroes are losers.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

The wise man will choose a partner who is more attractive than himself.............to mosquitoes.

If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

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