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A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.


The woman cannot believe what she just saw.


Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.


The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."


He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."


The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"


"Pepper," he replies.


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Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman were out for a stroll one day. As they walked, they came across a sign:


"Contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."


"I'm entering!" said Snow White.


After half an hour she came out. They asked, "Well, how did you do?"


"First Place!" Snow White answered cheerfully.


They continued walking and saw a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."


"I'm entering," said Superman.


After half an hour, he returned. They asked, "How did you make out?"


"First Place! Did you ever doubt it?"


They continued walking and saw another sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"


Pinocchio entered.


An hour later, he returned with tears in his eyes.


"What happened?" they asked.


Pinocchio looked up sadly. "I lost," he said. "So who the hell is Thaksin Shinawatra anyway?"



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Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.






'If you do not mind me saying,' said the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'






'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my arse'.





'I do not understand,' said the other.





The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.




He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'






I said, 'No shit?'










God Bless Australia!


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Britain is feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."




Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."




The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.




Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."




The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.








The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".




The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."




The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.




It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.








Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."




Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."








The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."




They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".






Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.








The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so that the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.








Americans, meanwhile, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.








And at a local level...




New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "Baaa" to "BAAAA!".






Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".








Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".




Three more escalation levels remain, "Shit, we might have to cancel the Barbie this weekend." and "Bugger it, the Barbie is cancelled".




The final escalation level is ... â??We might have to lay off the grog until weâ??ve got this sorted.â?Â




However, in all of recorded Australian history, things have never been considered to be so bad that this warning has ever had to be issued.

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