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Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

 

 

 

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

 

 

 

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

 

 

 

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

 

 

 

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

 

 

 

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate the lot.

 

 

 

Two lessons here:

 

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

 

2.Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

 

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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

 

 

 

'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

 

 

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

 

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going

to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

 

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,

'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

 

 

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

 

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

 

 

'Anybody?'

 

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

 

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

 

 

 

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued .

 

 

 

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

 

One, you have a dirty mind.

 

Two, you didn't read your homework.

 

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

 

 

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

 

 

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

 

 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

 

 

 

 

 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'

 

 

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

 

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f...ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

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PONDERISMS

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily , it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house or shop is to buy a replacement.

 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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4 blokes go on a hunting trip.

Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.

The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'

He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'

The third night was Frank's turn.

Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.

His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'

Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

Then he sat up and watched me all night

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A professor at the University of Staffordshire was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a mature female student in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an o.rgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his friends.'

 

It took 45 minutes to restore order!

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up, one is a good looking older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

 

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it, this is one ferocious lion, he ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history, here's your equipment: a chair, whip and a gun.

 

Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

 

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

 

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

 

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem just get that bloody lion out of the way!"

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Black Testicles

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

 

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still

 

heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical

 

procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a

 

partial sponge bath.

 

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

 

testicles black?'

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,

 

Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

 

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles

 

black?'

 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry

 

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment

 

and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

 

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and

 

his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them

 

around.

 

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's

 

nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and

 

says very slowly,

 

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen

 

very, very closely......

 

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

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I apologise in advance for these Swine Flu jokes. :cover:

 

 

I called the Swine Flu hotline today, but all I got was crackling.

 

 

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

 

 

Another is that you get the trotts.

 

 

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

 

 

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, but I think he's just telling porkies.

 

 

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

 

 

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

 

 

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

 

 

News Flash ...... this has just come in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

 

 

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

 

 

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world. Well thats a good thing I'm married then, isn't?"

 

 

This is not a time for panic. It's no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

 

 

Feeling bored on the bus, train or Underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...

 

 

A lion a bear and a pig are sitting around discussing how great they are.

The lion says when I roar the whole jungle shakes.

The bear says when I roar the whole forest trembles.

So what, says the pig, all I have to do is sneeze and the whole world shits itself!

 

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