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A young feller is brought home to meet the folks. His girl greets him at the door and says, "I'm sorry, I'm running late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my folks. And I, uhh, forgot to tell you, they're both deaf mutes."

 

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent.

 

Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and pours a glass of water over her ass.

 

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

 

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.

 

The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked.

 

Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her p*anties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. "Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

 

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. The girl explains.

 

"Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him - I'm watching the match.

 

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Wabbit

 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me. Do you have any widdle wabbits?"

 

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and he asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft

and futhy bwack wabbit or, maybe, one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ....................

 

"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a phuk!"

 

 

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A rancher died and left everything to his young and devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

 

The hired hand quickly agreed and went into town on a Saturday night.

 

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her.

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

 

Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

 

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

 

 

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A mortitian arrived at work one morning and was approached by his assistant.

 

"Anything interesting happen over-night", he asked.

 

"Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course."

 

"What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition.

 

"I'm not sure", replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!"

 

"Are you sure?", said the mortitian.

 

"Yes, come and have a look for yourself", said the assistant, opening the body bag.

 

The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.

 

"That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's her clitoris."

 

"Are you sure?", said the assisitant, "'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn".

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Jamie burst into the house and proudly announced to his father, "I ran home behind the bus and saved ten pence." To which his father replied, "You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi and saved five pounds."

 

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