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Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

 

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible.

 

He sees the postman once a week and gets

 

groceries once a month.

 

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

 

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and

 

a huge, bearded man is standing there.

 

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles

 

up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday

 

night. Thought you might like to come at

 

about 5:00...'

 

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out

 

here I'm ready to meet some local folks

 

Thank you.'

 

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.

 

Be some drinking'.'

 

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years

 

in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

 

'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

 

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..

 

I'll be there. Thanks again.'

 

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

 

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom,

 

warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for

 

six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,

 

what should I wear?'

 

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

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Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

 

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

 

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

 

The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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Lady Reporter to farmer: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

 

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

 

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"

 

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

 

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

 

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

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A badly beaten man is brought to the hospital.

He has broken nose, missing teeth, black eyes, signs of strangulation on the neck.

 

The doctor asks him what happened.

 

The man starts:

 

- It was a nice sunny day and my wife and I were playing golf. At a partucularly difficult hole we both hit our balls into the middle of a meadow where some cows were grazing. I was looking for the balls and suddenly noticed that one of the cows had something white under its tail. I stepped closer and lifted the tail. The ball with my wife's monogram was stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. With raised tail in my hand I turned to the wife and called:

 

- Hey, this one looks just like yours!

 

After that I don't remember anything.

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An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

 

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I think I've killed her!''

 

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

 

*click* *BANG*

 

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

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BBQ RULES

 

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your

memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man

volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into

motion:

 

Routine...

 

(1) The woman buys the food.

 

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

 

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the

necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging

beside the grill - beer in hand.

 

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the

exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place

without the interference of the woman.

 

 

Here comes the important part:

 

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

 

More routine...

 

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

 

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her

and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

 

 

Important again:

 

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

 

More routine...

 

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to

the table.

 

 

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

 

 

And most important of all:

 

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

 

 

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and,

upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some

women!

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A girl's first experience

 

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

 

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on.

 

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

 

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

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