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An older gentleman had a toothache. Naturally, he went to the dentist. The dentist looked and said the tooth had to come out. He started preparing a shot of Novocain.

 

"No needles!" the startled patient said. "I can't stand needles!"

 

"How about some nitrous oxide gas?" the dentist asked.

 

"No! Anything covering my face and I panic. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. No gas!"

 

"Do you have any problem with pills?" the dentist finally asked.

 

"Uh, no," the patient says. "A pill would be fine."

 

"All right, said the doc. "I'm going to give you a Viagra tablet."

 

"Viagra?" the patient asked. "I didn't know Viagra was a painkiller."

 

"It's not, but it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth."

 

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Teacher to a Scottish schoolboy, "If you had a pound in your right-hand trouser pocket, and three pounds in your left-hand trouser pocket, what would you have?" "Somebody else's trousers miss."

:neener:

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An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

 

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!", the doctor said. "Instead of removing half your brain, I've taken your whole brain out".

 

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

 

 

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

 

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

 

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

 

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

 

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

 

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

 

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them citizens who are super-human, undefeatable and strong in character who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

 

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them".

 

 

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A Scotsman went on a week's holiday to London taking with him a shirt and a five pound note. When he returned home he hadn't changed either of them!

:D

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.

 

The Italian says, "When i have finished making love to my girl, she levitates six inches from the bed."

 

The Frenchman says, "That's nothing! After 6 hours of continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"

 

The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!"

 

 

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The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...

 

Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

 

A night of tall tales begins....

 

Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.

 

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

 

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

 

 

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