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USA related joke, so YMMV...


Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq .. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.



Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'


The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the

chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'



Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.


Gibson was satisfied.



Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.


He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'



The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr.. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?



'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine..



'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'



'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.



So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from one of the already dead terrorists, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'



'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor.....?'



Semper Fi!



If You Are Not Willing To Stand Behind Our Troops, Please, Please Feel Free To Stand In Front Of Them!

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An Irishman is walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.


"Twenty quid," she whispers.


Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides - what the hell, it's only twenty quid. So he joins her in the bushes.


They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.


"'What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.


"I'm making love to me wife," the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.


"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know"


"Well, needer did I," says Paddy, "til ya shoined dat light in her face!!"

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A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.


Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


Sherill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.


"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.


But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.


"Does that feel better?" she asked.


"It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

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Irish Virginity Test Kit


Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.


His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."


Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"


The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.


If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'


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  • 2 weeks later...

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity...


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13 .. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity




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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,


'Jesus knows you're here.'


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.


When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.


Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard


'Jesus is watching you.'


Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.


Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


' Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.


'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'


The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'


'Moses,' replied the bird.


'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'


'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


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Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days.


"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a turkey, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.


"Yer can't do that now. Too many bloody security cameras."



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