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FOX

 

> Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

>

> Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

> The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are

married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers

"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

> The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with

phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same

three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

>

> One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City

drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing

you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

>

> DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

>

> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

>

> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast

if you win.

> What is your name? First only please."

>

> Contestant: "Brian."

>

> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

>

> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

>

> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

>

> Brian: "Sara."

>

> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

>

> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

>

> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

>

> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

>

> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

>

> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

>

> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

>

> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

>

> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

>

> Brian: "About 10 minutes."

>

> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake."

>

> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

>

> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?

>

> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

>

> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

>

> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us

for a couple of weeks..."

>

> DJ: "Uh huh..."

>

> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

>

> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

>

> Brian: "On the kitchen table."

>

> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this

wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

>

> [3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

>

> DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch

tones.....ringing....)

>

> Clerk: "Kinkos."

>

> DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

>

> Clerk: "This is she."

>

> DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now

and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

>

> Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

>

> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to

give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules

of 'Mate Match'?"

>

> Sara: "No."

>

> DJ: "Good!"

>

> Brian: (laughing)

>

> Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

>

> Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest."

>

> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If

your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to

the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

>

> Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

>

> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

>

> Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

>

> DJ: "What time?"

>

> Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

>

> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

>

> Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

>

> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect

his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question

away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

>

> Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

>

> DJ: "Where did you have it?"

>

> Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

>

> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

>

> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

>

> Sara: "Well..."

>

> DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

>

> Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

>

> After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station

break"

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[color:red]The Polite way to Pee[/color]

> >

> > During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to

> > Teach good manners, asked her students the

> > Following question:

> >

> > 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner

> > With a nice young lady,how would you tell her

> > That you have to go to the bathroom?'

> >

> > Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

> >

> > The teacher responded by saying, 'That would

> > Be rude and impolite.

> >

> > What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

> >

> > Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to

> > Go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

> >

> > 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to

> > Say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

> >

> > And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain

> > For once and show us your good manners?'

> >

> > 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused

> > For a moment? I have to shake hands with a

> > Very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to

> > Introduce you to after dinner.'

> >

> > The teacher fainted

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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report

that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she

explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've

stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and

even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,

'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes

later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.

'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

 

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house

together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts

her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The

94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come

up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses

'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is

sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her

sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I

never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then

yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as

I see who's at the door.'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf

one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,

isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,

'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,

'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a

nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of

her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to

an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,

she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment

or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the

soup.'

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both

could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising

along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,

but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger

seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could

have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

 

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection

and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The

woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light

had been red but was really concerned that she was losing

it. She was getting nervous.

 

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red

and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman

and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran

through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us

both!'

 

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

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He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

 

 

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play my bagpipes.

 

The worker put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

 

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

 

 

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

 

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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