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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

 

It was a disaster!

 

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

 

 

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

 

Paddy ordered a whisky.

 

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

 

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

 

Paddy handed his drink back and said

 

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

 

 

 

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

 

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

 

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"

 

 

 

 

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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,

I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

 

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

 

Murphy watches in amazement!

 

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

 

So he leaves the site.

 

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

 

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

 

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

 

 

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

 

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says

"You know what I want, don't you?"

 

 

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

 

 

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Q.. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

 

A.. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

 

 

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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

 

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

 

 

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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

 

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

 

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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

 

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

 

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

 

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

 

 

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue..

 

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

 

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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

 

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

 

Paddy says "What's his name?"

 

Mick replies "Miles, from London !

 

 

 

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A rough looking DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas. He walked up to the old rancher and announced, "I've come to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. You know what kind I mean."

 

The rancher politely replied, "All right. Just don't go into that field over yonder," and he pointed over his shoulder.

 

The DEA officer exploded. "Mister, do you realize who I am? I have the authority of the Federal Government behind me!" He reached into his pocket, pulled out his badge, and waved it at the rancher.

 

"See this badge? This badge means I can to go wherever I want ... any time I want! Have I made myself clear, old man?" He stood on his toes and practically shouted, "Do you understand me?"

 

The rancher shrugged and went about his work.

 

A short while later, the rancher heard a loud scream and saw the DEA man running for his life, closely pursued by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining on the officer, and it was clear the terrified agent was in big trouble.

 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs:

 

 

"YOUR BADGE! YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!!!!"

 

 

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A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN THE UK ....

 

 

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

 

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter ..

 

The interview was as follows:

 

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

 

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

 

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

 

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

 

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

 

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam.

 

Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

 

The program was never aired . . . .

 

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Last summer John met a woman on vacation and fell madly in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, they went to dinner and had a serious talk.

 

"It's only fair to warn you," he said. "I'm a total golf nut.

 

"I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

 

"Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, I will too," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

 

"I see," John said, and he became very quiet.

 

Finally, he spoke. "It's probably because you're not keeping your left wrist straight on your follow-through."

 

 

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

 

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

 

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

 

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

 

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

 

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

 

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

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