Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park.

 

The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me." The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"

 

The first one says, "And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me." The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"

 

The first one says, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me." The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"

 

The first one says, "Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?" The second one says, "Well, my husband sent me to charm school."

 

The first one says, "Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?" The second one says, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a fuck', but now I say, 'Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!'"

[The_Munchmaster]

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

 

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

 

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

 

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

 

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

[The_Munchmaster]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

 

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

 

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

 

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

 

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

 

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

 

She replied, "The egg timer's broken."

[cavanami]

3 minute eggs? sorry about that...

[Flashermac]

This morning I went to sign my dog up for welfare.

 

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

 

So I explained to her that my dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no clue who his daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and still feel guilty because he is a dog.

 

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

 

My dog gets his first check Friday. Isn't this a great country?

 

 

 

[Julian2]

The Golf Game

 

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded.

"Well", she said, "you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a fifty. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

 

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a twenty. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

 

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin' hell are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o' decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit!"

 

 

 

 

[Flashermac]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

 

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

 

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

 

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

 

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

 

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

 

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

 

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

 

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

 

 

 

[jai-dee]

The first blonde guy joke?

 

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke...... And well worth the wait!

 

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

 

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

 

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

 

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

 

[BelgianBoy]

Little Dave jokes.....

 

LITTLE DAVE ON MATH (Part 1)

 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little DAVE.

 

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot..'

 

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

 

Then little DAVE says, 'I have a question for YOU.

 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

 

To which Little DAVE replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking..'

 

LITTLE DAVE ON MATH (Part 2)

 

Little DAVE returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies DAVE.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fuckin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

 

LITTLE DAVE ON ENGLISH

 

Little DAVE goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

DAVE says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little DAVE, that's a mouthful..'

Little DAVE says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

 

LITTLE DAVE ON GRAMMAR

 

Little DAVE was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, DAVE, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little DAVE, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

 

LITTLE DAVE ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice....

 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little DAVE.

 

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuckin' beautiful!''

 

 

LITTLE DAVE ON GETTING OLDER

 

Little DAVE was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

 

Little DAVE replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

 

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little DAVE answered, 'No, he minded his own fuckin' business.

 

 

I LOVE Little DAVE!!!!!

 

BB

[Mekong]

I see Little Johnny is called Little Dave in the Low Country