Any New Jokes

[BelgianBoy]

actually here he is called "Jantje".....

 

[Mekong]

I will refrain from repeating the "Little BB Jokes"

[The_Munchmaster]

Q. Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

 

A. Because the parrots-eat-em-all.

 

So bad it's good.

 

[The_Munchmaster]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

 

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

 

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

 

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

 

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

 

"No, from the feckin' skippin'!"

 

[Flashermac]

I was talking with my good mate JMcK, pondering over the past, when JMcK suddenly remarked :

 

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, not even using both hands.

 

"By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.

 

"By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.

 

"I'm gonna be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

 

"So?" I replied. "What's your point?"

 

"Well," said JMcK, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

 

 

 

 

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

 

The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for 5,000,000 sterling or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just 100 sterling.'

 

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

 

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend 5,000,000 sterling to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only 100 sterling? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly'.

 

The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

[The_Munchmaster]

Little Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas real bad, so he decided to write a letter to Baby Jesus.

 

He wrote, "Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bicycle for Christmas I will be good for three months." He stuck it in an envelope and took it down to the Post Office and started to put it in the box but he thought three months was a long time. So he tore it up and went home to start over.

 

He wrote, "Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bicycle for Christmas I will be good for two months." He stuck it in an envelope and took it down to the Post Office and started to put it in the box but he thought two months was too long also. So he tore it up and went home.

 

He started out, "Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bicycle for Christmas I will be good for one month." But even that was too long, so he tore it up and threw it away. Then he took the statue of the Virgin Mary from his dresser and put it in his closet.

 

Then he sat down to write, "Dear Baby Jesus, if you want to see your mother again...."

[The_Munchmaster]

A young couple in Italy had just given birth to their first child, they were blessed with two; one of each.

 

As was the custom in their family, they approached the father's oldest uncle to name the babies. Trouble was, this old uncle was pretty eccentric and they were afraid that he would come up with some bizarre names for their babies which would burden them for life.

 

So they were more than a little worried as they asked him to name the girl baby. They breathed a sigh of relief, however, as the uncle pronounced, "Denise."

 

Feeling much better, now, they asked him for the name of their son. "Denephew," he replied.

[The_Munchmaster]

When Paul first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

 

But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

 

Paul became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

 

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Paul's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

 

'How long will Paul be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.

 

'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

 

'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[Nervous God]

Paul is Teddy's older brother?