Flashermac Posted April 24, 2010 Report Share Posted April 24, 2010 A drunken man staggered onto a subway car and sat down next to a priest. The drunk's tie was soiled, his face was plastered with lipstick, and he had a a half-empty bottle of gin sticking out of his coat pocket. He found a newspaper and began to read it. After a few minutes, the drunk turned to the priest. "Excuse me, Father," he slurred. "What causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "Arthrisis, my son, is caused by loose living, drinking too much alcohol, having contempt for your fellow man, sleeping with prostitutes and not having of a bath." The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be." Then he returned to reading the newspaper. Thinking about what he had said, the priest turned to the man and apologised. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so critical. Just how long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father," said the drunk. "I was just reading here that the Pope does." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bust Posted April 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2010 Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. "First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties. A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops! "Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear." A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching! "Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted May 4, 2010 Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 January 2013 One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said "Okay", and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated by this point, said: "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have come here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man smiled at the Marine. He said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said: "Right. See you again tomorrow, Sir." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave32 Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carew66 Posted May 25, 2010 Report Share Posted May 25, 2010 What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. Then the Buddhist handed over 10 dollars and waited and waited and waited until the hot-dog vendor said, "Change comes from within..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted May 25, 2010 Report Share Posted May 25, 2010 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted June 9, 2010 Report Share Posted June 9, 2010 Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job." Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." Manager, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." Murphy, “Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" Manager, “Simple. On question number 7 the Pole said, 'I don’t know' and you said, ‘Neither do I’.“ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Munchmaster Posted June 9, 2010 Report Share Posted June 9, 2010 I'd just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage, when a poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. So I told him, 'I wish I had your fecking will power' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai-dee Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment , wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool, and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard ,with gardens. Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to. The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised, lights off at 8 p.m. and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room, and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out. Justice for all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashermac Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 "I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials. It had a wonderful ending. In the final scene Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina Jolie." - Dave Letterman "Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor." - Jay Leno "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party." - Obama responding to revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins. Q. What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama? A. Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears. Q. Why is Barack Obama jealous of Hillary Clinton? A. She the one with the cojones. Q Why is Oprah supporting Obama? A She has a history of supporting frauds. Q. What made Barack help a Chicago slumlord to victimize the poor? A. The check. Q. Why does Barack want higher taxes? A. Cause he won’t be the one paying them. Q: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes? A: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes. Giving money and power to Barack Obama is like giving liquor and car keys to a teenage boy. (Tip o’ the hat to P. J. O’Rourke) Q: Why are there so few real Barack Obama jokes? A: Most of them are true stories. Q. What's the difference between Pinocchio and Barack Obama? A. Obama's nose doesn't grow when he lies. Q. Candidate Obama told us, “Yes We Can.†What does President Obama tell us? A. “Yes You Will.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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