Jump to content

Any New Jokes


bust
 Share

Recommended Posts

  • 2 weeks later...

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.

 

While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."

 

I said, "I haven't got an erection!"

 

She replied, "No, but I have!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

 

His wife asked, "What is that?

 

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

 

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second....we don't go past my mother's house!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.

 

The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

 

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

 

At this point the bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An old hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The old hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

 

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the old hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The old hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and convinced her you are God you could command her to have sex with you."

 

The old hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The old hippie agrees to this and has fantastic bum sex with the nun.

 

After the old hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the robe and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

 

The nun then jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A WOMAN'S POEM:

 

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who'll listen all day long.

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

 

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

 

I pray this man will love no other,

And relish visits with my mother.

 

 

A MAN'S POEM:

 

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big tits,

who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme,

but I don't give a shit.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A beautiful young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea.

 

Just before she could throw herself from the pier, a handsome young man stopped her.

 

"You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, the woman accepted.

 

That night the sailor sneaked her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

 

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

 

Three weeks later, she was discovered by the captain in a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" demanded the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she confessed. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."

 

"I see," said the captain.

 

"Plus," she added. "He's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.

 

:beer:

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...