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Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"

 

Lottery night! Someone else wins.

 

Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!"

 

Lottery night again! Still no luck.

 

Jock prays again. "Dear God, Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders down:

 

"Jock at least meet Me half way ..... and buy a ticket!"

 

 

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Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.

 

He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he turned to the priest and asked him, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."

 

"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.

 

The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"

 

"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

 

 

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I'm sure Teddy posted this one some time ago.

 

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

 

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

 

:rotl:

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I'm sure Teddy posted this one some time ago.

 

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

 

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

 

:rotl:

 

 

Now that is below the belt!!! :p:neener:

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I'm sure Teddy posted this one some time ago.

 

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

 

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

 

:rotl:

Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting...

 

 

 

 

 

 

:neener:

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Equal time for the Irish ...

 

 

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she encountered Father Flaherty.

 

The priest greeted her warmly. "Top o' the mornin'. Is it Mrs. Donovan you are and didn't I marry you and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

 

She replied, "Aye, that you did, Fadder."

 

The priest asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

 

She replied, "No, not yet, Fadder.

 

He said, "Well, I'm goin' to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye."

 

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Fadder." They then parted ways.

 

 

Some years later, they chanced to meet again.

 

Father Flaherty asked, 'Ah, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

 

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Fadder!'

 

Father Flaherty asked, "And tell me, have ye any been blessed wit wee ones now?"

 

"Oh yes, Fadder! T'ree sets o'twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

 

"That's wonderful!" he said. "And how is yer loving hoosband doing?"

 

She replied, "He's gone off to Rome to blow out yer f*ckin' candle!"

 

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Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.

At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

 

:neener:

 

 

 

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A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, â??I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?â?Â

 

St. Peter said, â??Thatâ??s a question only God can answer.â? So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, â??God, please - I must know. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?â?Â

 

God simply replied, â??You are what you are.â?Â

 

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, â??Well, did God answer your question for you?â?Â

 

The zebra looked puzzled. â??No sir, God simply said, â??You are what you are.â??â? St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, â??Well then, that answers it, you are a white horse with black stripes.â? The zebra asked St. Peter, â??How do you know that?â? â??Because,â? said St. Peter, â??If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, â??You is what you is.â?Â

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