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An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman

 

lurking in the shadows

'Twenty dollars,†she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell,

 

it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're there for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden,

 

a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

 

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

 

'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!â€Â

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Three women Eileen, Connie, and Lynda are at a cocktail party.

 

 

Their talk turns to their position in life,

 

and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

 

 

 

Eileen says, "My husband is taking me to the

 

French Riviera for two weeks,"

 

and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

 

 

 

Connie says,

 

"Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"

 

and looks about with considerable pride.

 

 

 

Lynda says,

 

"Well, to be perfectly honest with you,

 

we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions.

 

But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder

 

on my husband's erect penis."

 

 

 

Eileen looks shamefaced and says,

 

"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you.

 

We're not really going to the French Riviera.

 

We're going to Henley on Thames for two weeks."

 

 

 

Connie says,

 

"Your honesty has shamed me.

 

To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes.

 

He bought me a Ford."

 

 

 

"Well," Lynda says,

 

"I also have a confession to make.

 

Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."

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Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

 

 

 

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

 

 

 

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

 

 

 

'What on earth are you doing Mick,' says Paddy

 

 

 

'Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. 'Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'

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In a wine blending factory the regular taster died and the director

>started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look

>came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how

>to send him away.

>

>They anyhow decide to test him. They give him a glass with a drink. He

>tries it and says, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a

>north slope, matured in steel containers."

>

>"That's correct", says the boss. Another glass is brought to him. "It's

>red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels".

>

>"Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his blonde secretary

>to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic

>tried it.

>

>"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you

>don't give me the job, I'll tell who is the father."

>

>The drunkard was immediately appointed as the new taster.

 

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In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many who text messages and email have forgotten the "art" of capitalisation.

 

Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the statement below.

 

I cannot stress enough that grammar is important:

 

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

 

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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

 

When I finished my coffee, I noticed that everybody was staring at me.

 

Then I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

So how was your day? :(

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.

 

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan you lissina me. I wan you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

 

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man -- "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

 

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

 

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

 

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

 

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

 

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

 

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

 

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault.'

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The Dating Game

 

 

 

WHITE WOMEN

 

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.

 

 

ITALIAN WOMEN

 

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

 

 

CHINESE WOMEN

 

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you’ve already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

 

 

INDIAN WOMEN

 

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

 

 

BLACK WOMEN

 

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

 

 

MEXICAN WOMEN

 

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She’s pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

 

JEWISH WOMEN

 

First Date: You will have to spend all your money to impress her

Second Date: You will take a loan to keep the image

Third Date: Your are broke, so she finds someone wealthier

 

 

ARAB WOMEN

 

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead.

There is no third date!!!

 

 

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