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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

 

 

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.

He was chuffed to bits.

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a

coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

I thought to myself, these f*ck*rs have lost the plot!!

 

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.

Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

 

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

 

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.1415927 dead

 

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

 

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....

I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.

 

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I've got the big C,"he said.

"What, cancer?"

"No, dyslexia."

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

 

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I was at the doctors this week, I had a terrible rash on my balls, so I asked her to examine them. After a while she said “You’re gonna have to stop wankingâ€Â. “Why?†I asked, “Because I'm trying to examine you†she said!

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I was having foreplay with my new Thai Bride last night before we had full sex. I had just finished giving her a blow job and I thought...."wait a minute....this aint right!!"

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A guy goes to a doctor with a spot on his forehead. The doctor says "Amazing, I've only read about this in the journals! In a few weeks, you'll have a penis growing out of your forehead."

 

The man says "Cut it out, doctor, help me!"

 

The doctor says "Nothing we can do, it's actually part of your brain and if we cut it out, you'll die. Sorry."

 

The man says "You mean to tell me, doctor, that in a couple months, every time I look in the mirror I'll see a penis growing out of my forehead?"

 

The doctor says brightly "Oh, no, no. You don't have to worry at about that at all! The balls will cover your eyes."

 

(Stolen from Al Franken who heard it from Buddy Hackett.)

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The Insurance side of sex:

Sex with your wife:Legal and General.

Sex with your future wife:Mutual Trust.

Sex with a long term partner:Standard Life.

Sex with your secretary:Employer's Liability.

Sex with a prostitute:Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone:Direct Line.

Casual sex with different partners:Go Compare.

Sex with a Ladyboy:Confused.com.

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Funniest 'Date' Story (true!)

 

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

 

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

 

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

 

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

 

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun, but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

 

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

 

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

 

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

 

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

 

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

 

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

 

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

 

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her there on the Leno show.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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SEX STARVED

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert ...

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are!!!"

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