Jump to content

Any New Jokes


bust
 Share

Recommended Posts

Finally, someone has cleared this up for me...

 

 

 

 

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their

foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:-

 

A - Taxi licence in Adelaide

 

B - Convenience store in Melbourne

 

C- Service station in Perth,

 

D- Kebab shop in Brisbane

 

E- Take away cafe in Sydney

 

If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia .

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

 

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

 

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

 

'Onions?'

 

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

 

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?

 

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

 

'A Christmas tree?'

 

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an Egyptian, a Chinese man, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Kiwi, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech and a Swiss went into a pub.

 

The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

 

:beer:

 

..it's an old one, but sure it's the way I tell em!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)

 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

 

 

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

 

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

 

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

 

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

 

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

 

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

 

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

 

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

 

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:........................... Mary

 

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Roger . Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Mary . When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Mary to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing the same time she gets home from work.

 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the Pub so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

 

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Mary . I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

Signed,

Roger

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Roger died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Shakespere Carp Rod jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Mary , was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Roger , somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his Fishing Rod

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...