Any New Jokes

[BJ_Blackowitz]

Teddy : *lol*

 

[teddy]

One day whilst driving along, a man knocks down and kills a deer. He decides to take it home with him

 

He cooks it that night for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is

 

"I'll give you a clue, its what your mum calls me sometimes"

 

The little girl screams at her little brother

" Don't eat it, its a f**kin aresehole !! "

 

[teddy]

A woman goes to see the doctor because she is very embarrassed about the size of the lips on her pussy

 

The doctor agrees that they are too large and books her in for an operation to remove the excess skin

 

Couple of weeks later she comes round from the op and looks up to see three lovely bunches of flowers

 

" The flowers are lovely darling " she says to her husband

" but why three bunches ? "

 

" Only one is from me "" he replies " ones from the doctor to thank you for being such a good patient and the others from Mr Johnson in the burns unit to thank you for his new ears "

[bust]

ENGLISH CRICKET

[teddy]

You twat

[The_Munchmaster]

One day whilst driving along, a man knocks down and kills a deer. He decides to take it home with him.

 

He cooks it that night for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is.

He must have had a fucking huge oven!

 

[The_Munchmaster]

.....Couple of weeks later she comes round from the op and looks up to see three lovely bunches of flowers.

A pussy op and she was out for two weeks?

 

[The_Munchmaster]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight over to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 nearly 100 year old people having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny, "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

 

At this point she stopped to brush away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[teddy]

He must have had a fucking huge oven!

 

Yes it was big

 

[teddy]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

 

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

 

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

 

"Is that when you swore?"

 

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.

 

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

 

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

 

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

 

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

 

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

 

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"