Any New Jokes

[Hamokhamok]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

 

"No more headaches?"

The husband asks, ''What happened?"

 

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."

 

 

 

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

 

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

 

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

 

The husband agrees to try it

 

 

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

 

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

 

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

 

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

 

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

 

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

 

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

 

 

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

[Hamokhamok]

Drafting men over 60

 

(This is funny and obviously written by a former soldier)

 

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

 

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

 

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it, will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

 

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. As most of us are married, we're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling..

 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

 

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

 

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

 

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

 

How about recruiting women over 50 ....in menopause! You think men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my goodness, you ain't see nothing yet!

 

 

If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night!

[Hamokhamok]

 

Air Force Test

 

This will drive you nuts!! Have fun!

 

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.

 

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

 

Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive

 

http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

 

[Hamokhamok]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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Lemon Squeeze

 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

---------------------------------------------

 

Looks of Disappointment

 

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

 

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

 

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

 

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

 

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Catholic Dog

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

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Donation

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

 

'It is!'

 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

 

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

 

'I do!'

 

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

 

'He is!'

 

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

 

'He will.'

 

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Confession

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

 

Man: 'What sins?'

 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

 

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Brothel Trip

 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

 

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

 

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

 

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

Senility

 

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

 

-----------------------------------------

 

Pest Control

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

 

'Who are you?' he asked him..

 

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

 

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

 

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

 

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

 

---------------------------------------------

 

Marriage Humour

 

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

 

Husband: Nothing.

 

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

 

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

-------------------------------

 

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

 

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

 

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

 

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Stress Reliever

 

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

 

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

 

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

 

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

 

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

 

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

 

________________________________

 

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

 

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

 

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

Edited March 1, 2011 by Guest

[pasathai1]

 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[pasathai1]

 

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

 

[Hamokhamok]

Texas preacher

 

A Texas preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

 

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

 

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

 

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

 

Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[pasathai1]

 

Gilbert Godfried Jokes

 

A man goes to a doctor. He says „I don‚t know if my wife has TB or VD.‰ He doctor says, „Chase her around the bed. If she coughs, fuck her.‰

 

A man goes to a doctor for a checkup. Doctor examines him. He says „I have bad news. You‚ve got cancer and Alzheimer's. „ He goes, „Thank God I don‚t have cancer.‰

 

A man has the words I love you tattooed to his dick. He goes home to his wife. The wife says „Stop trying to put words into my mouth.

 

A old Jew goes for a walk, finds a lamp. Picks up a lamp and rubs it. A genie pops out. The genie says „I‚ll grant you one wish‰. So, the old Jew reaches into his pocket takes out a crumpled map and he says „You see this area? This is called the middle east. There‚s been nothing but war and bloodshed here for centuries. Can you do something?‰ And the genie goes „Even with my power, I can‚t do anything about that area. Can I grant you another wish?‰ So he goes, „Well, I‚ve been married for forty years and my wife has never given me a blow job. Can you get her to do that for me just once?‰ And the genie goes „Can I look at that map again.‰

 

A traveling sales man goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, „I can put you up for one night, but you‚ll have to stay in the barn.‰ So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in and says, „Were you comfortable?‰ He goes, „Yeah I had a great time. I talked with all the animals.‰ He goes „You talked with all the animals?‰ „Yeah, I spoke to the chickens. They say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.‰ He goes „That‚s exactly right!‰ He says „The horse told me his name is Otis, you‚ve owned him for ten years.‰ He goes „That incredible!‰ And he goes „I spoke to the cow and the cow says her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly eight thirty.‰ And he goes „That‚s incredible.‰ And then he goes „Then I spoke to the sheep . . .‰ and the farmer goes „Those sheep are lying.‰

 

A man walks into his son‚s room. He goes „Son, if you keep masturbating, you‚re gonna go blind.‰ The son goes „Come over here dad.‰

 

A man takes a hooker up to his room, he says „How much is this gonna cost?‰ The hooker goes „$200.‰ He hands her the $200. She starts undressing. She turns around. He‚s on the bed jerking off. And she goes „What are you doing?‰ He says, „For $200 you think I‚m gonna let you have the easy one?‰

 

An old Jewish man walks into a church He goes into the confession booth. He says forgive me father I have sinned. I was working in my tailor shop, a girl came in couldn‚t have been more that nineteen years old. Blond hair, great body, all of a sudden I start fucking her, and there is fucking and we‚re sucking and fooling around, for three hours. And the priest goes „Abe, I recognize your voice. We play poker every Friday night. You‚re Jewish; why are you telling me this?‰ Telling you? I‚m telling everybody.

 

A woman goes to a gynecologist. The gynecologist that examines her says „What a hole. What a hole‰ She says „You didn‚t have to say it twice‰. The doctor says „It was an echo‰

 

A man goes into a doctor‚s office. The doctor examines him finds out he has five penises. He says „That amazing. How do your pants fit you?‰ He says, like a glove.

 

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says „Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?‰ The rabbit goes „No.‰ And the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

 

A man goes into a bank. He goes into a banks and goes up to a white haired lady and says „Yeah, I want to open a fucking bank account.‰ The woman goes „Uh, what did you say?‰ He said, „I said I want to open a fucking bank account.‰ She goes „You better watch your language or I‚m gonna get the manager.‰ He says „Why, because I wanna open a fucking bank account?‰ So, she storms off, gets the manager. Manager walks over to the man and says „What seems to be the trouble here, sir?‰ The man says „I want to open a fucking banking account for $500,000.‰ The bank manager says „Oh, is this cunt giving you a hard time?‰

 

A man goes over to his wife and hands her two aspirins and a glass water. She goes, „What‚s this for? I don‚t have a headache.‰ He goes „Good, let‚s fuck.‰

 

You know what‚s the motto of the Greek army? Never leave your buddy‚s behind.

 

A man goes to a whorehouse. He‚s only got two dollars. They say „Well, go up to the room there, we have a dead hooker.‰ So he goes „Okay.‰ We‚ve all been in that situation. Don‚t act like you would turn it down. Oh, sure you can scoff at it, but the thing is well basically you sponged her off and you know what . He goes up and then he comes back down and they say „Well, how was that?‰. He says „It was great. The only problem was her nose kept running.‰ He goes „Ah, well she‚s probably full.‰

 

An armless legless girl is laying on the beach, crying. A man walks along and goes „What are you crying about?‰ She goes „I‚m crying because in my whole life I‚ve never been kissed.‰ So he kneels down and kisses her. Then gets up and starts walking away. Then she‚s crying twice as hard. And he comes back and says „What are you crying about now?‰ She goes „I‚m crying because in my whole life, I‚ve never been fucked.‰ So he picks her up, tosses her in the ocean and goes „You‚re fucked now.‰

 

Three traveling salesmen go to a farm house. They say „Can you put us up for the night?‰ The farmer goes, „OK I got a big bed and the three of you I think could fit comfortably in it.‰ So, they all lie down side by side and go to sleep. The next morning they wake up and the guy on the one end of the bed goes „Boy, I had a great dream last night. I dreamt a girl was giving me a hand job.‰ And the guy on the other side of the bed said „Wow, I had a dream that a girl was giving me a hand job.‰ And the guy in the middle goes „I had a dream I was skiing.‰

 

A man is in a bar drinking. He gets so drunk, he pukes all over his shirt. He goes up to the bartender and says „I‚m in trouble now. When my wife finds out I got so drunk I puked on my shirt, she‚ll kill me. The bartender says „Don‚t worry about it. Look here‚s what you do. You take a ten dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go home to your wife and say some other guy got drunk and he puked on your shirt. And he says ŒI‚m sorry, here‚s ten dollars to have it cleaned.‚ And he goes „I‚ll try that.‰ And he goes back to his wife and says „I was in the bar and a guy puked on my shirt and gave me this ten dollars here to have it cleaned.‰ The wife pulled out the money and said „He gave you twenty dollars.‰ And he goes „Oh, I also forgot to tell you. He also shit in my pants.‰

 

Two old men are sitting on a park bench. One turns to the other and goes, „I‚m so old. I‚m just so old.‰ And the other one goes „I bet I know how old you are.‰ „You have no idea how old I am.‰ „I can guess how old you are.‰ He goes „How do you know how old I am?‰ He says „Simple, stand up. „ Then he goes, „Alright, drop your pants.‰ „But we‚re in a park here.‰ „Now drops your pants and I‚ll guess how old.‰ So he opens his pants and drops them. „Now pull your underwear down and I‚ll guess your age.‰ „But there are people in the park here.‰ „Just pull your underwear down. Pull your underwear down and shove two fingers right into your ass hole.‰ So he bends over and shoves two fingers up his asshole. The other man goes „You‚re 95.‰ He goes „How are you able to do that.‰ „Because you told me yesterday.‰

 

A man goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and he prescribes suppositories. So the man goes off. A week later he comes back and he goes „These aren‚t working at all.‰ And the doctor says „Are you sure you‚re taking them the right way?‰ He goes, „Of course I am. What am I supposed to do, shove them up my ass?‰

 

A man goes hunting in the woods. He‚s hunting and he sees a big grizzly bear, takes out his riffle, and opens fire on it. The bear growls, jumps at the man, knocks him on the ground, turns him on his belly and fucks him in the ass. As bears as so prone to do. Then the hunter is really angry. He comes back the next day with a machine gun. He see the same bear, opens fire on it with the machine gun. The bear growls, jumps forward, knocks the hunter to the ground, turns him over and fucks him in the ass again. Now he‚s really angry. Comes back the next day with a canon. And this time see the same bear, opens fire with the canon. Then the bear growls, leaps forward, and knock the hunter to the ground, turns him over on his stomach and goes „Something tells me you don‚t just come here to hunt, do you?‰

 

Last night, I said to my girlfriend „You‚ve got a tight cunt and no tits.‰ She said „Get off my back.‰

 

I was in the car with my girlfriend and she said „Kiss me where it smells.‰ So I drove her to New Jersey.

 

A man goes to a doctor. He goes to the doctor and goes „Doctor, I have a really embarrassing problem. I seem to be letting off these silent farts. Hey there goes one now. They‚re really smelling and disgusting and just silent too. Oh, I just let off another. It‚s disgusting. Doctor what do I do about it.‰ And the doctor goes „Well, first of all you‚re going deaf.‰

 

[Flashermac]

 

 

 

Prince William's Bachelor Party ...

 

 

It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini bottom when every bill has a picture of your grandmother printed on it.

 

[Coss]

Gilbert Gottfried's Japanese jokes, but I'll let you google them as some may find these offensive so close to the event