Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

 

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

 

......................................

 

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers.

 

So I did...she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

 

......................................

 

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.

 

I thought she was joking...And then I saw her face.

 

......................................

 

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's.

 

His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

[Flashermac]

 

 

[cavanami]

I think I've been to that bar

[Flashermac]

The Pope and Obama were on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

 

The Pope leaned toward Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

 

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that - with one wave of your hand? Show me!"

 

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage.

 

[The_Munchmaster]

My wife phoned me at work and said, "I'm not wearing any knickers"

 

I said, "I'm going to tell the boss I'm feeling sick"

 

She said, "Is that so you can come home early and fuck me?"

 

I said, "No, it's because I'm feeling sick"

[Hamokhamok]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides across the tarmac to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

 

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; .................... all is going well.

 

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

 

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

 

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

[Hamokhamok]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

 

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions ~ by descriptions:

 

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom,

and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

 

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,

lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

 

Medically speaking ~ there is No difference in the outcome. (Both result in death.)

[Hamokhamok]

ometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic

Stimulus' payment.

 

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by

using a Q & A format:

 

 

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

 

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

 

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

 

A. From taxpayers.

 

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

 

A. Only a smidgen of it.

 

 

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

 

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

 

 

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

 

A. Shut up.

 

 

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by

spending your stimulus check wisely:

 

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ..

 

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

 

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

 

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico ,

Honduras and Guatemala ..

 

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

 

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..

 

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

 

Instead, keep the money in America by:

 

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

 

2) Going to ball games, or

 

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

 

4) Beer or

 

 

 

5) Tattoos.

 

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

 

Conclusion:

 

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard

sale and drink beer all day !

 

 

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[Hamokhamok]

A guy walks into a chemist and ask for some Viagra.

 

The lady behind the counter says "We'll need medical proof that you need it"

 

So the guy says "I've got a photo of my wife, Will that do?

[Hamokhamok]

My Surgery?

 

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.

 

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.

 

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

 

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.

 

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

 

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

 

"Well,"? the wife said coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?