Any New Jokes

[The_Munchmaster]

THE ITCH

 

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Farouk the camel shagger, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

 

One day Farouk revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Shadab the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Shadab thought about this and said that he could arrange for Farouk to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Farouk readily agreed to the scheme.

 

The next day, Shadab made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Shadab informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Farouk would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

 

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Farouk to their chambers. Shadab then slipped Farouk the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Farouk worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Farouk left satisfied and was hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Farouk found Shadab demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied and knowing that Shadab could never report this matter to the King, Farouk couldn't have cared less and with a laugh told him to 'get lost'.

 

The next day, Shadab slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Farouk.

 

The moral of the story.............Pay your bills.

[The_Munchmaster]

Irish Burial at Sea

 

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

 

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

 

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer think this is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

 

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

 

'This'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

 

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

 

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer think this is fer enuff out Paddy?'

 

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No this'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

 

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

 

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

 

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

 

'Aye tis', says Paddy

 

'Now hand me that shovel.'

[The_Munchmaster]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

 

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

 

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[The_Munchmaster]

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.

 

I said yes, but asked what I would get in return and she said I could play with her breasts.

 

I thought, that's fair, tit for tat.

[The_Munchmaster]

Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts.

 

Dear Phil

 

I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.

 

I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.

 

They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.

 

Can you help me...I'm desperate.

 

 

Dear Reader

 

The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Phil.

[The_Munchmaster]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinean, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says "Sorry...I can't let you in without a Thai".

[The_Munchmaster]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough....once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

 

So I thought...Sod it....soldier on.

[The_Munchmaster]

I'm in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with

her body.

 

Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

[The_Munchmaster]

Just said to the missus..."Hey fat gut...what do you want for Valentine’s Day"

 

She said "Don't get f*cking lippy"

 

I said "Mascara it is then!"

[The_Munchmaster]

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong.

 

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

 

I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serve breakfast until 11.00.